Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was ten months old and fully engaged with his toys. What he was holding was actually a drum. It was a toy that would record what he did and he could then hear his work. Mattie was intrigued with all toys that made noise. I know some parents are bothered by toys like this. However, that never bothered me. The only thing that really got to me was non-stop crying and tantrums. Of which Mattie had many.
Quote of the day: The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. ~ Ernest Hemingway
For the past two days, Peter has been in NYC. I am happy to report that he is home safely. The day he left for NY, there was a train derailment close to us in Maryland. I don't like flying, but the train is not high on my list either!
While Peter was away, I had Indie and Sunny keeping me busy. They are actually good company. Which was helpful, because I would say that when one of us is gone, it is very noticeable how empty our home is. We felt this profoundly after losing Mattie. Part of us liked being home and the other part found it difficult. It was truly confusing and disturbing to not have Mattie calling out our names and running around. It was also hard to see his room and his things, and to be living life without him.
Now 8 years later, I am not sure what is harder. What we experienced the first several years after Mattie died, or now? Now meaning that we have had to adjust to life without Mattie, so much so, that this has become the norm. It isn't normal, and don't get me started with that hateful term, NEW NORMAL. A term coined by social workers, why? I have no idea. Because nothing is normal about losing a child or having to find one's way in the world alone. This loss will never be normal, but our brain and heart learn to adjust and accommodate. Which is frankly disturbing to admit as a parent. I suppose if we did not adjust, the alternative would be that we would stop living. Don't mistake what I am saying, accommodating doesn't mean forgotten by any stretch of the imagination. But accommodating can make one feel guilty.
It was another busy day of Foundation Walk planning, but also trying to develop language for several grants we are targeting. All I know is several hours into writing, I had to walk away to clear my mind. In my case, walking away, means walking with Sunny. Whenever I move from my desk, Sunny is right on my tail, reminding me..... It's time for a walk! Walking in the pouring rain today, when it was raw outside, wasn't my cup of tea, but it is what one signs up for when getting a big dog.
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