This photo was taken on October 10, 2009. Nine years ago yesterday, was Mattie's funeral and celebration of life ceremony. It literally took us a month to plan Mattie's funeral and ceremony. We were so devastated, stressed out and overwhelmed. Which made decision making very difficult. We also felt that Mattie needed a well thought out acknowledgment of his life. One that could give every age group an opportunity to reflect on this loss. In this photo, you see a release of red balloons from the children who attended this celebration of life. Mattie's school truly did not know how to process this loss for his classmates, so thankfully several of my counseling students took on this project and created several special ways that were age appropriate for children to remember Mattie. Red balloons were chosen, as red was Mattie's favorite color. In addition, the children were encouraged to write a message on a piece of paper, attach it to the balloon, and then release the balloon to heaven.
Quote of the day: Elephants have long been regarded for their ability, along with dolphins and chimpanzees, among others, to express emotion, even empathy. But their response to death remains a mystery. ~ Laura Parker
As I was waiting for my car to be serviced today, I sat down and was reading a book. Even my fiction books center around grief, loss, and processing it. I started reading Jodi Picoult's Leaving Time. What I love about Picoult's books is they are always well researched. She introduces you to provocative subject matters and in the process you are absorbed by her intriguing characters. Though Leaving Time is about a young girl's quest to find her mom who went missing over a decade ago. The mom happened to be a scientist who ran an elephant sanctuary. So in the process I am learning about the complexities of elephants.
Picoult does a great job bringing to life the sensitivity of these grey wrinkly bodies. Elephants are known to have an incredible memory and they can pick out family members by scent even in a large crowd. But what caught my attention was her description about how elephants grieve. It is believed that mourning and grief are emotions only faced by human beings. However, research is showing that elephants not only have the capacity for strong bonds and connections but when a family member or friend dies, elephants seem to have a ritual. That involves a lot of standing around (not unlike our human wakes), they use their trunks to inspect every part of the body, and elephants do not leave the side of their dead loved one for days.
I encourage you to watch this rare three minute video on the death of a matriarch elephant named Victoria. Watch how the elephants respond to her body and the researcher in the video mentions that elephants have ducts in their eyes that apparently tear when confronted by emotion.
Needless to say, Picoult's book captured my attention, as I am fascinated by how people or animals grieve. I saw first hand how Patches (our cat) grieved when Mattie died. It was very clear! She was depressed. She spent most of her days on Mattie's bed, a place she never sat before. We also saw it with our resident Jack Russell Terrier, JJ. JJ would come to our doorstep and sit there after Mattie died. He also wouldn't eat for a few weeks. Not to mention that he slept with a sandal of Mattie's for quite some time. Who says ONLY humans grieve??? NOT ME.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/08/elephants-mourning-video-animal-grief/
1 comment:
Vicki, I never knew the date of Mattie’s Celebration of Life, I don’t think. Today, I write all dates important to me in a book because my memory fails & some dates are way too important to ever not remember.
The families of children who were Mattie ‘s friends were probably so grateful to you for setting in place people to help their children & their grief. That sounds so much like you, despite your own heartbreak, you realized those kids would be confused & bewildered. Death is still so taboo in society where special people in a family die & kids especially grieve on their own. Your kindness is amazing.
I watched Michael’s dog Rounder mourn the death of his companion Brunson in 2010 & his absolute bewilderment when Biscuit lost all function of play the summer of 2013. After several years, Biscuit regained it but Rounder did not know what to do when he would drop the rope they tugged or the toy, they chased in front of Biscuit. Biscuit would just look down & stare. He never lost how to eat or why they too him outside so that was good & important but everything else took a a few years to regain.
I do believe animal like elephants grieve. Think of the Orca Whale, this past summer, who carried her dead baby for weeks, I think. Not enough research is done & reported on the grieving of animal for their own losses..
I think of Mattie every day in some way. Maybe it is just seeing something red. Maybe, it is reminding myself I want to see his tree & need to find my perfect item to put on them. No matter the reason, Mattie has joined all the Children, I did know during treatment who fought hard, suffered way too much & unfairly, taught everyone around them the true value of life. I think of all these kids daily, like a slide show of courage, love & hope.
I am glad to be back on the blog. I realize it might not be every day but they don’t disappear so I can do a few at a time. Love you Vicki
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