Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Tuesday, September 3, 2019 -- Mattie died 518 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in his first month of receiving chemotherapy. We were home in between hospital visits when this photo was taken. In the beginning of Mattie's treatment we had opportunities to be home for longer periods of time between infusions. Mainly because Mattie was stronger and still had an immune system. However, with each successive treatment, Mattie became more depleted and therefore shortly after a chemo infusion was done, he would return home for maybe a day or so, but then have to be rushed back to the hospital because of fevers. That particular day, Mattie received this dancing bird. So literally he and Peter were dancing with the bird in our dining room!


Quote of the day: It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone. ~ John Steinbeck

Today was the first day back at school for Mattie's friends. If Mattie were alive, this would be his senior year of high school. I can recall back in 2007, when Mattie started kindergarten that I truly couldn't wrap my head around the class of 2020. It seemed like YEARS away, however, it never dawned on me it wouldn't be years, but it would NEVER happen. 

Mattie's class has had an elementary and middle school graduation, both of which we did not go to, nor was Mattie acknowledged. I am not blaming anyone, as I am sure schools in general have NO IDEA what to do with a bereaved family. Or perhaps once the child is no longer in school, he is forgotten as part of a class. We are not part of a school class, and yet families like ours are still marketed to by companies regarding colleges, financial aid, and the list goes on. 

I happened to be walking Sunny in Alexandria today and passed his high school. While walking, I saw a mom taking a photo of her son on his first day of school. A momentous occasion and I am sure if Mattie was alive, I would be doing the same thing. I always wanted one of those photo collages that chronicle a child from kindergarten through 12th grade. Unfortunately I only got to snap ONE photo for Mattie. I have literally missed 1st through 12th grade milestones and photos. So to me the first day of school is a constant reminder of what I am missing. Perfect timing, as the anniversary of Mattie's death is at the end of the week. 

Back in 2009, Mattie died on the first day of school. I remember that morning like it were yesterday. I can still recall the nurses asking us who we want them to call. It was a horror show, and though we may look NORMAL on the outside, now we live with this internal horror each and every day. Not just on the first day of school.