Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and that day he was invited over to his Aunt and Uncle's home to participate in an Easter Egg Hunt. Behind Mattie is his cousin, Will. It is hard to believe that Will is graduating from college this year, and yet in my mind Mattie is forever 7.
Quote of the day: We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
It was another fun day on the Farm. To add to the complexity of the day, I had a conference call at 11am. If people could see me minutes before a call, they may wonder how on earth I am pulling all of this off! Or look composed on a call! I wonder myself some days. I am so tired, it is hard to get out of bed in the morning. But I do it and I am thankful that Sunny has been compliant with eating and taking his pills while Peter has been gone. As I get up an extra 30 minutes early to manage Sunny and Indie's needs when it is just me at home.
This afternoon, I took my parents out to lunch. It is our main meal of the day. When Peter is gone, we go out every day, otherwise, we are couped up at home all day long and it helps to see other people and be out and about. Otherwise, the isolation is intense. Eating with my dad is neither pleasant at home or out in a restaurant. No matter how early I take him out, he is a zombie at the table and looks like he is going to fall asleep! Yet he wants to go out to eat. In fact, that is the first question he asks me when I wake him up in the morning..... are we going out to eat? You would think I am a horrible cook given his desire to always go out.
While at the restaurant, there was an adult daughter sitting with her parents right next to us. I couldn't help but hear her conversation. Mainly because she was shouting. She went off on a diatribe about how she doesn't believe in God, actually hates the notion of God, and faith is only a feeling and not based on science. Her parents had no response, as clearly the father was embarrassed by her screaming. Given all I have faced so far in life, I can absolutely appreciate why someone would question God, or even doubt his existence. In fact, I think God understands human frailty and our need to question and understand things we can't see and measure. Having a child diagnosed with cancer and then die, has caused me to question God, his ways, and his intentions. But being a cradle Catholic (someone who has grown up and been Catholic all one's life), I do not doubt God's existence. Cancer has not changed that reality for me.
That said, given my personal experiences with trauma and loss, when I hear comments like I heard today from this woman, my reaction was..... there is a reason she feels this way. I don't judge her in any way, as spirituality is a personal component of one's life. But sure enough, as she was getting up from the table, I could then immediately see... she is a caregiver to TWO older adults. Her dad had a physical disability and her mother literally acted just like my father. I have no idea whether she believed in God ever, but I do think caring for older adults all day long, especially those with dementia, can make you absolutely unhappy, question life, its purpose, meaning, and in the process you lose your identity and hope for the future.
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