Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was four years old and what I love about this photo was it illustrates the beauty of Mattie. Mattie was a busy and active fellow. He loved being creative and pairing that with being outside. That day, Mattie got out his fishing rod and was pretending that his sandbox was a boat. Instead of catching fish, he was catching toys! I can't tell you how many hours we spent on our deck. It wasn't a large space, but we used every inch of it! I miss the many adventures of life with Mattie.
Quote of the day: The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. ~ Nicholas Sparks
If I shared what my days look like, you wouldn't believe it. From the moment I awake, I am dealing with one chore or problem after the other. After I dropped my dad off at the memory care center, I went grocery shopping. Truly that was the only time I had peace today. As soon as I got home, the tasks began. I have been helping my mom with insurance paperwork all morning. Since this is not stuff I have done before, everything is a steep learning curve for me. If it was only one or two things I had to figure it, NO problem. But for me, its every aspect of my life! EVERYTHING. I could cower in the corner, and probably would if my parents did not depend upon me.
Later in the day, when I picked up the mail, I was bombarded with more tasks. Starting with data breaches to correspondence from my own health insurer. My doctor has prescribed THREE MRIs for me. I booked them for May 22. The hospital has told me to be prepared to be in the machine for three hours. Delightful no?! Any case, my doctor thought the insurer would flag the breast MRI, but it turns out they approved it based on my history, but they want more information as to why I need a brain and neck MRI. Ironically I have symptoms to merit such testing, so I can't imagine what other kind of data that need. Any case, I scanned the letter and sent it to my doctor. Now the miracle will be to get this resolved before the test on May 22.
This evening, I had a call with an accounting professional. She is going to be helping me with my parent's taxes. I can't tell you how unstable their CPA is in Los Angeles. I had just about enough of him and can't wait to give him his walking papers. I maybe a woman with a doctorate, someone who is a licensed professional, with various accomplishments, but at the end of the day, I lived a very 1950s kind of life. In the sense that in my marriage, I had the more traditional woman role and did not take much interest in finances, technology, or managing all the complexities of operating a house. Within the last seven months, I learned to either sink or swim. Again, if it were just me, I most likely would have floundered and lost a will to live. Caregiving for my parents, though labor intensive, gives me a purpose, because I know I am needed by other people. If they weren't with me, then as my therapist knows, we would be having a much more difficult conversation.
But tonight's phone call was revealing because this professional views me as remarkable. I do not know how remarkable I am, but I do know that what I face day in and day, it heartbreaking, filled with confusion, leaving me with too many unanswered questions, and I range from very angry to quite depressed. I can't believe it is Friday. It is my least favorite part of the week.... the weekend. I dread Saturday and Sunday once again, just like I did after Mattie died. Weekends provide less structure, in which I have both of my parents 24/7.
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