Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. Mattie was five years old and this was not an unusual occurrence in our home! Mattie was always a busy fellow. Our townhouse had a huge picture window in our living room. All surfaces were used for creativity, and I was always grateful for these amazing windows, which brought light into our home regardless of the season. Do note that Mattie was wearing a Christmas sweater in April! His choice of course and I went with it!
Quote of the day: The greatest tragedy of life is not that we die, but what dies inside us while we live. ~ Norman Cousins
Given my heartbroken state, I have been going through many photos and videos. I came across this priceless photo of Sunny. Sunny was deathly afraid of thunder. That particular day, he escaped to the bedroom closet, walked onto a shelf and was hiding out. Along with hiding, would come intense panting from fear. I miss my buddy and our special connection.
Today was another red letter day. I went to drop my dad off at his memory care center and then before returning home I stopped off at the garden center. I bought my third round of plants. I have been doing this in stages, otherwise it is impossible to carry and plant everything at once. When I returned home, my mom was having her physical therapy session and all I could hear was an alarm going off. No one seemed bothered by this noise other than me. I went from room to room in the house to figure out where this sound was coming from. It was coming from the basement, and specifically from the sump pump. Truthfully I had no idea what to do. But given that I have to be the jack of all trades and have to solve and address every problem alone, that is exactly what I did.
I unplugged the pump from the socket and then the wall. That did nothing. Then I saw a test button. I pressed it. It ran a test throughout the pump, I could hear water move through the system and then magically the whole thing reset itself! I checked on it later today and it is doing fine. That problem solved.
Then later in the afternoon, I came home and found that our door into the kitchen was having lock issues. There is an electronic lock on the door and it was acting up. I don't need much at this point to set me off. This was the last straw today. When I am overwhelmed, I become anxious, hyper focused, and then hysterical. I live in constant fear that things around me will fall apart, something will go wrong, and I will have to juggle this and EVERYTHING on my own. Trust me, even when everything in the house is working well, my daily routine is a nightmare. Not to mention what is going on in my life... which is truly over the top. Which is why, when faced with having to take on new and challenging tasks, I freak out.
This heightened alert state is grueling and wearing. I get no breaks or peace, and I do not live with anyone who listens to my woes, my feelings, or is there in any capacity to assist me even for a moment during the day. My therapist thinks I am remarkable on many levels, because she feels the average wife would have lost it by now and lashed out at the world. All I know is I take it one day at a time, because if I look at the bigger picture, I wouldn't be able to function.
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