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Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009. Mattie was pictured with Tricia, Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurse. It was a special day, as hundreds of people came out to the Mattie March, an event hosted by Team Mattie. I will never forget how all of our communities rallied together to support Mattie and my entire family. Practically all of Mattie's care team was at this event, and to this day, Tricia is still part of my journey. She supported me through Mattie's entire cancer journey and her skills, competence, compassion and friendship are gifts I cherish. Want to know what was in the cup Mattie was holding? NOT water, but tent moth caterpillars. A spring time tradition for Mattie... those caterpillars came home with us that day.
Quote of the day: You can love someone so much, but you can never love people as much as you miss them. ~ John Green
My mom's friends arrived last night around 6pm. They had a 7 hour car ride from New York to Virginia, as traffic was horrible. Given the absolute dysfunction of my life, I truly feel great angst when interacting with people. The couple who was visiting have known me since I was five years old. They have seen me at every stage of my development. Last night over dinner, I explained to them the changes in my life. I think they were shocked to hear my story and frankly I live each day with this total confusion. Things just don't make sense to me. We all stayed up until 11pm talking. Even my dad was awake, at the table, and listening. So the visit was excellent stimulation for him. At the end of the evening, I felt supported. I am not sure I was expecting that, but that was the result.
This morning, I got up early because I knew our visitors had to get on the road by 10:45am, to attend a family birthday celebration. I wanted to put dishes away from the night before, prep breakfast, get my dad up, washed, dressed, and downstairs so that I could ensure everyone had a nice breakfast and a chance to chat. It worked out well. While we were chatting the door bell rang. My neighbor came over to visit and we all sat down together. About thirty minutes later, my dad's physical therapist showed up. So it was full house. Somehow it added some life and more dimension to my depressing existence. That said, tonight, I am worn out.
Our friends expressed to me how beautiful my house is. How beautifully I have decorated it, taken care of it, and admired my plantings. They also asked me..... how do I keep the house so clean? They aren't the first people to tell me this! I have always been a clean and organized person, but I think my need for control over something in my life has grown exponentially. Therefore, I clean!
My mom's friends have been married a long time. It is very clear they love each other and enjoy their time together. You can't think of one without the other. In many ways, I always viewed Peter and I as the younger version of them. I thought my future, after caregiving, was going to look a lot like this couple. Having the freedom to travel, have adventures, and journey through life with Peter. I am not sure how I could have been so wrong, so misguided, and now emotionally and perpetually distraught.
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