Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009. Team Mattie coordinated the "Mattie March" for us on the school's track. It was a beautiful, touching, and memorable day. Hundreds of friends from all of our communities came out to show Mattie their support. At the time Mattie was headed into the end of his treatment protocol, and we all had high hopes that we could stabilize him. As you can see from this photo, Mattie was surrounded by all his care providers and friends from the hospital. My joke that days was..... who was left at the hospital? Since everyone was literally with us! Doctors, nurses, art therapists, child life, child life interns, and volunteers were all by our side in this photo, and I will never forget any of these amazing women who helped us manage the impossible.
Quote of the day: The depth of our grief is equal and opposite to the depth of our love. ~ Stephanie Sarazin
My lifetime friend Karen went to see a movie about imaginary friends. When I asked her if it was based on a true story, her response was something like.... What? It is imaginary! But here's the thing, when I was five or six years old, I had two imaginary friends. So I told Karen the story! Not sure she ever knew about my imaginary friends, John and Alice. John and Alice were NOT my age. They were instead in the 50s and married. They were truly dysfunctional, always fighting, and arguing, and somehow, they sought out my help! Hysterical no? How I concocted this at age five is beyond me. I did not grow up in a dysfunctional home, I did not base this couple off of my own parents, and in fact, I knew no one like John and Alice. Yet there they were. Every afternoon, out they came and I listened to each one and tried to help them understand one another and have appreciation for how the other felt.
Now you could conclude that either I was unstable from an early age or that I was truly creative, with the inquisitive desire to listen, to try to empathize, and understand the complex world around me. Naturally I am going with the latter. There is all sorts of research on children with imaginary friends. Some say we are highly intelligent and others say we are likely to have a higher emotional understanding as we age. Who knows, but what I do know is all my life, people were drawn to me. Because they wanted to talk, they wanted to tell their stories, they wanted to be heard, understood, and to get feedback and guidance. Even when I was in elementary school, kids would meet up with me after school. They wanted to talk! I can't tell you how many times I kept my mom waiting in the car, until I finally showed up. Perhaps that was indicative of what my career choice was ultimately going to be, but friends always told me they felt better after talking with me.
What I do know about myself is that I try to treat everyone around me with respect, kindness, compassion, and freely give of my time and energy. Or at least this is how I used to be up until September of 2023. Once Peter left me, I would say that my world has been rocked, turned upside down. Not unlike being traumatically shaken in an earthquake. The only difference is the earth isn't moving, no one else is feeling it, therefore in essence......I am shaken alone!
I began reading Stephanie Sarazin's book, Soul Broken. She coined the term ambiguous grief, which is a different kind of grief than you may be familiar with. It is the feeling experienced from the loss of a loved one who is still living, accompanied by a change in or death of the relationship. Because at times I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind, in a cycle of desperately trying to make sense of my existence, and what I find (and she confirms this) is that I self isolate. I have no desire to talk, to explain my existence, nor do I have the energy to be vulnerable to share my deepest darkest feelings and thoughts with others. Those of us living with broken souls, self protect. A feeling I learned after the trauma of losing Mattie. I never saw or thought I would ever be dealing with this type of ambiguous grief, which is why her book is helping me find the words for the tumultuous feelings and thoughts that flood my mind and heart each day.
Ironically I am facing two ambiguous grief journeys simultaneously. As I face on a daily basis my dad's mind being ravaged by Alzheimer's disease and the unexpected and shocking demise of my long term marriage. Dealing with either of these issues would be hard enough, but at the same time, it is devastating. At the moment, I see no way forward. AT ALL! To me life is over, and if I wasn't caregiving for my parents, I most likely would be a danger to myself. Which is why, I am trying to turn to others who have walked a similar path to understand their experiences, their insights, and how they have found the hope to keep on living and planning for a future.
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