Friday, September 20, 2024

Friday, September 20, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that weekend we took him to Scott's Run Nature Preserve. It was one of other favorite spots. I have to admit prior to having Mattie, I wasn't much for walking and spending time outdoors. However, I learned quickly and even as a baby Mattie seemed calmer and more at peace surrounded by greenery. So I learned to be outside in all weather. Not unlike the postal service. It is hard to believe that this adorable face and being in no longer among us! No matter how many years go by, it still remains completely incomprehensible to me. 

Quote of the day: Pain makes you stronger, fear makes you braver, heartbreak makes you wiser. ~ Drake

Last night, before I went to bed, I looked out my window. Honestly, I do this every night since Peter left. I feel like one of those women in a coastal town, looking out their widow's walk, awaiting her husband to come back from sea. I don't know what I am hoping for..... maybe to see Peter and to know he wants to talk to me. I want someone to wake me from this nightmare. 

I know, only in a Hallmark movie! But when you love someone for 36 years, and devoted your life to this one person, that love doesn't just die. It is within me and my natural instinct is to advocate, protect, and support my husband. 

Any case, there was no Peter, but instead a mama deer and two of her babies. The family was snacking mainly on my roses! All I could think about was Mattie..... he would have loved this sighting and he would have said.... that's just like you and me! 

My dad went back to his memory care center today. I have had my parents home non-stop since September 12. My days are hard but being at home providing mental stimulation, entertainment, food, serving, cleaning on top of everything else was pushing me to my breaking point. 

Next week feels like more of the same, as my dad can't go to his program until Thursday. He has doctor appointments on Monday, followed my surgery again on Tuesday for kidney stones. Each day, all I can say is GOD HELP ME. When I read tonight's quote my initial reaction was NO..... NO..... NO! Why people think we have to go through painful, fearful or hurtful things to truly grow stronger, braver, wiser or better gets me every time. 

Instead I do think trauma, loss, and grief build upon itself and at the end of the day, there is so much one can take before one feels broken, discarded, not part of society, and instead completely disengage.