Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day, he went to his elementary school's fall event. Mattie had an incredible time with his two close friends. They did every activity possible, including face painting and press on tattoos. Not to mention moon bounces and things. It was in that moment in time, that I forgot all about Mattie's challenging preschool years and sensory integration issues. He was happy, he made amazing friends, and we felt a part of his school community. I thought we would have many more fall events together. This was the first and last fall event we attended at his school, because the following year Mattie was diagnosed with cancer.
Quote of the day: Don’t let the scars on your heart define the way you love. ~ Laura Chouette
I rarely wake up and remember my dream. I chalk it up to being too exhausted. But last night, I had a distinctive dream and Peter was in it. In my dream, I turn over in bed, and there he was. But not the Peter he has become, but the Peter he has always been. In the dream, he starts telling me about problems he has found around the house and how he is actively working on fixing them. Even within my dream, I could feel my utter confusion such as...... how could this really be Peter, when he left me over a year ago? The brain is a fascinating organ, because it works hard even in our sleep to try to help us make sense of the things actively happening in our lives. The dream felt so real that I woke up and wondered..... will any of ever see the real Peter again?
The morning was stressful. I think the emotional toll of what is happening to my marriage has gotten to my mom. She could hardly get it together by noon today. In the midst of balancing their needs, the construction project next door to me was over the top. The was traffic in the cul de sac and items all over my lawn. Not to mention that the crew placed garbage bins on the grass. Given how hard it is to grow and maintain grass, seeing bins on top of grass makes me upset. I literally went outside and grabbed the bins and moved them myself. The construction crew was just looked at me. How I kept it together is beyond me, but there is very little regard for those of us living around this project.
This afternoon, I took my parents out. My mom requested we go out to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. So I made a reservation. When we got there, my mom told me she did not mean this restaurant. She meant somewhere else. However, I already got my dad out of the car and practically in the restaurant. When we sat down, my mom realized she left her phone at home. You would have thought this was a national crisis. She got very upset and despondent. It was so bad, that I literally was ready to get back in the car, race home and get her phone. Instead, I gave her my phone, which occupied her for a bit of time. I have so much going on with my life, that keeping track of her phone isn't my top priority. It is no wonder at every turn this week, I am faced with a panic attack.
What I realize is my mom needs the same sort of support as my dad. So now I have to go through a check list with her before leaving the house. Some days I want to scream, because my dad is more than a bundle. I manage everything for him, and I am not far behind on managing everything for her as well.
After we got back from the restaurant, I got my dad situated in his chair. Want to know his first question to me? When are we going out to the Cheesecake Factory?! REALLY!???? Yes that is how bad his memory is, and he has no sensation of having a full stomach either.
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