Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. This was the keyboard Jerry and Nancy (our amazing music volunteers at the hospital) gave Mattie. This keyboard would be transported back and forth between the hospital and home. In this particular photo, Mattie was home and one of his teachers from school came over to give him a piano lesson. Mattie really wanted to learn to play the piano, and I used to love when he would sit on our piano bench and compose pieces off the top of his head. He would take this very seriously, as he would sit on the bench, with his eyes closed, his hands on the keys and he would just start playing. It was almost as if the music was some how channeled from his brain to the keys!
Quote of the day: All reality about me now appeared to be in tatters, taken down and reduced to the civil war of its particles. I held on very, very tight indeed. Because in addition to that feeling, that disintegration, there was rage. I wanted to break something. ~ Sebastian Faulks
Tonight's blog posting was going to be a continuation of last night's, focused on memories! But I decided I am too distraught to discuss memories. So I will push that notion off until tomorrow night! As tonight's quote points out, when so distraught and feeling like you are going to have an emotional breakdown, what do you do?
My dad's memory care center has been closed all week. I just learned that it is closed tomorrow too, as schools are still shut down because of the snow. When I tell you that I HATE snow, I am not kidding. Snow symbolizes isolation and being quarantined. For me, not getting out of the house is truly detrimental to my health. Yes I am a full time caregiver, but with snow days, my caregiving duties magnify ten fold.
I was plugging away doing all sorts of tasks today from cooking, cleaning, to Foundation work. However, when I learned that my dad's memory center is going to be closed again tomorrow, I practically had a meltdown. I truly do not understand how my life has been torn to pieces. I do not understand how I am not married, and I do not understand how I did not see any of this coming. I am not sure I ever will and the angst this causes within me some days is immeasurable.
I have devoted my life to those I love. Though I may not earn an income, I have never been idle. It isn't in my nature. Whether that be running Mattie Miracle (without taking a salary), to being a mom, wife, and family caregiver, I have always worked hard. But I have NO MONEY to show for it. Some how society views people like me as inconsequential. Not successful, and instead I am reminded often that, I have "never worked." All I know is, when someone tells me I have never worked, I want to jump off the roof. If I should list what I accomplish in any given day, this may give a person pause.
My entire life feels like it has been out of my control. One of the key defining moments in my life, was when my dad took a job in California. Whether I wanted to move or not, we did in 1984. I really feel like that move changed the trajectory of my life. I missed the East coast and in essence the move to California influenced my college decision. I wanted to return to New York, and did just that for college. Then it was at college that I met my husband. But what if we did not move to California when I was in high school? What if I never went to college in New York? Do you ever play these what if games? While walking through one door in life, we truly do not know what will come next and the consequences of that simple decision. But I have learned the hard way in life, that every decision has consequences. Most of them for me have been negative.
I am saddened and disillusioned that I face life alone. That I face each day with enormous roles and responsibilities, and frankly whether I am caregiving or not, I feel that my life is over. The future I may have imagined (and trust me it took YEARS for me to come to terms with a future without Mattie) is gone. I am tired, simply tired, and feeling distraught enough to have a breakdown. But in my household my needs, have never taken precedence.
No comments:
Post a Comment