Monday, February 3, 2025

Monday, February 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2008. Mattie was five years old and believe it or not, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer five months after this photo was taken. WOW.... was I naive about life back then! It was a time period where childhood cancer wasn't anywhere on my radar scope and I lived under the delusion that we have control over our destiny. As you can see, Mattie designed an airplane out of tinker toys! I remember teaching several undergraduate courses in child development. I had the experience of teaching these courses before I was a mom, and then while being a mom! I can assure you, Mattie taught me MUCH MORE than the textbooks and I tried to bring concepts alive for students by sharing many Mattie moments! I saw the debate of nature vs nurture unfold with Mattie, as he was hardwired to love all forms of locomotion! Even as a baby, he was fascinated by planes, cars, helicopters, trains, and buses! I did not teach that, it was natural instinct! 

Quote of the day: We can bring positive energy into our daily lives by smiling more, talking to strangers in line, replacing handshakes with hugs, and calling our friends just to tell them we love them. ~ Brandon Jenner

For some reason I couldn't stay asleep last night. I think when all was said and done, I slept for two hours. Needless to say, it took all the energy I had to get out of bed this morning and then proceed to have a very full day. 

I woke up to this image today! My friend in England sent it to me. She and I are struggling with similar issues and for over a year, we have helped each other DAILY navigate the ups and downs of our existence. Given that Valentine's Day falls in February, she sent me this bingo board, so we could play along with each other. We check off boxes as we complete them, and we then tell each other about how we met the task in the box. 

This activity may sound silly, but honestly structure is vital to our existence. In addition, we remind each other DAILY to, THINK SMALL and TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME. We have daily mantras to each other, that are used so often, that we now have acronyms for them. Any case, I would say there are some of these boxes that I naturally do daily, such as "opening doors for people," "cook a nutritious meal," and "compliment a stranger." The other items on the list are more self directed! I have a MUCH HARDER time directing kindness, care, and compassion to myself. This isn't a novel realization, this is just me. Asking me to do something for myself, actually almost makes me uncomfortable. Because my natural internal question is.... doesn't someone else need something first? 

January and now into February have been months of getting things done. Things that are not necessarily in my strike zone. But as the February Bingo card says..... do one thing you've put off. I have done all sorts of things I have put off like purchasing health and dental insurance, purchased a Geek Squad membership, and now closed my marital bank account. I did not face any of these things with glee, joy, or happiness. Nonetheless, I have to be the adult on duty in my house at all times, and taking care of these important tasks is actually vital for my existence. So perhaps that is my valentine's gift to myself.... doing something that is a round about form of self care. I can manage such self care tasks, but don't get me started with other boxes on this Bingo card like.... have a spa day at home (not happening and NOT interested), write a letter to your younger self (SERIOUSLY???? That wouldn't be pretty!), and have a solo date night (again, really??? and no thank you!).

What I have noticed since caregiving for my parents, is that people around me take notice. I don't have to say a word, they just observe and understand we are a trio. I can't tell you how caregiving has opened the door for me to many conversations with other people. When I meet other people who are caregivers or who have had a caregiving experience... it is like a silent club, where we have a secret handshake! Within minutes of talking to each other, we just know.... YOU TOO ARE A CAREGIVER! This kind of camaraderie also existed when I was caring for Mattie. When I met a fellow parent caring for a child with cancer, I remember that instant connection. We may not have known each other, but we were united by the inner world and language of childhood cancer. Which leads me back to the February Bingo Card. On the card, is a square that says... learn your love language. When I first read that, my eyes were rolling, but stepping back, what is my love language? What symbolizes the ultimate in love is caregiving. Caring for someone else, enabling that person to have a better quality of life because you are present, caring, patient, and loving is what makes me tick. It is my love language and it is what makes life worth living.