Tuesday, February 11, 2025

Tuesday, February 11, 2025 -- Mattie died 781 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. We were in the child life playroom at the hospital and that day, Mattie was constructing a volcano. A favorite past time of Mattie's, mainly because he loved hands on activities and particularly was fascinated by the lava type reaction he could produce! The limb salvaging surgeries Mattie had to remove bone tumors limited his range of motion with his arms. He literally could not lift his arms very high, and forget about trying to reach over his head. Naturally this was very frustrating for a six year old, but Mattie had great determination. If he wanted to do something, he found a way! 

Quote of the day: Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone, but from being surrounded by people who can’t understand you. A deep feeling of isolation comes when you realize that even the person standing right next to you is unreachable. ~ Anonymous 

It was an early morning in my household, because I had to get both of my parents to their primary care doctor for their annual physicals. In order to get to a 10am appointment, I got up at 5:45am. That is how much time I needed to allot to make this happen. At some point, today, all I wanted to do was put my head down on a pillow. I am very aware of the fact that I fell on my hip on Saturday outside my side door, I have a big black and blue on my hip, and yet I have to mentally put that somewhere and continue plugging away. Fortunately I am very good at blocking out pain. 

With each appointment, the doctor assesses my parents memory and does this with a brief cognitive test. I always find these tests amusing because I have heard them so often, I know all the questions! My dad is holding steady and hasn't had much of a decline since his last visit a few months ago. Of course, my dad had no idea what day it was, what month we are in, what year it is, and so forth. My mom thought we were in April! Wouldn't that be nice, that would mean trees were leaving out and spring had sprung! 

Overall, my parents are holding their own. Typically their doctor likes his older patients monitored each day with blood pressure and oxygen levels, but he understands why I am NOT going to do this, and he also understands that I monitor my parents visually VERY closely. So I would like to take some credit for their stability. 

Currently we are in the middle of a snow storm. I can't tell you how much this freaks me out! I am NOT a snow person to begin with, but being the only capable adult in my household, managing everything and my parents seems even more daunting in a snow storm. I don't care how crazy I look, I will be out there shoveling snow several times tonight, in order to get a jump on the accumulation. Overall however, the isolation that caregiving, being divorced, and a snow storm produces feels beyond overwhelming right now. 

I received two beautiful cards in the mail today from friends. I can't tell you how much these cards meant, it almost was like a lifeline reminding me that I matter.