Thursday, January 21, 2010

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken on October 18, 2007 at Mattie's school. His school was having a pep rally, and all the kids were wearing their homecoming t-shirts and clearly they were all running around, because they look hot and wiped out! Mattie is in the front row center, sitting. In the front row are some of Mattie's kindergarten classmates, from left to right: Xander, Missy, Abigail, Mattie, Cavin Reed, and Charlotte. The adult sitting behind Mattie was his teacher, Leslie Williams.

Poem of the day: From the Ashes of Grief by Lana Golembeski

In the early morning fog of a spring day
The sunlight drifts slowly across the lake
Lifting the dark shadows of night.
The honking geese frolic in the early morning rays of sunshine
While the birds sing of promises yet to come.
Through the dark clouds of grief,
Slivers of sunlight filter down.
The pain and fear residing in my heart
Is starting to give way
To the hope of finding joy once again in my life.
The warmth of the sun flows through my body
And I now feel and see flickers of that joy.
It is but a fleeting moment in my thoughts.
But it fills me with the hope of perhaps
Finding peace once again.
The forever tears cleanse my heart and my pain.
They pave the way for love and laughter once again in my life.
My heart will forever be empty from the loss of my precious child.
But the sparkling sunlight spreads light around that hole in my heart.
Gentle healing is beginning; springing anew from the ashes of grief

Tonight's poem reminded me of the only component of the winter months that I enjoy in Washington, DC, and that is seeing flocking geese. Canadian geese are special birds to me, and always remind me of the two very important factors I value in life: loyalty and teamwork. Geese are fiercely loyal, so much so that if one of their members of their flock become injured, they will not leave the injured bird alone. One of the birds from the flock always stays behind. In addition, I admire the beautiful V-formations geese create while flying. It is beautiful, but also strategic. They ride each other's wind current, and the geese at the point of the V, are working the hardest, but then when they are tired, they switch places with the other geese, and move to the back of the V-formation. This rotation system ensures that none of the birds burn out, but instead accomplish their journey and destination together. It seems to me that humans can learn a thing or two from our geese friends. It is funny, I have used the geese analogy during many past conference presentations, however, after experiencing cancer, the symbolic nature of geese means much more to me. Because in essence Team Mattie was our V-formation, and without this loyalty and teamwork, battling Mattie's cancer and death would be much, much worse. If you can imagine that possible.

I had a very slow day today. I felt tired and I did not want to get dressed and leave our home. I have these moments each week, and I have come to accept them, rather than fight them. I had the opportunity to e-mail Linda, Mattie's childlife specialist, back and forth today. Linda was not at work today because she was helping a family member who is in the hospital and undergoing surgery. At one point I wrote to Linda and told her that I wish I was sitting by her side today, while waiting for her loved one to come out of surgery. I will never forget how Linda helped us during all three of Mattie's major surgeries. Not only did Linda sit with us, call us with surgical updates, but she actually got herself into the post-op areas to personally check on Mattie. For this and thousands of other reasons, Linda will always hold a special place in my heart. Mattie loved her, and in the midst of chaos and pain, Linda brought Mattie happiness. Which is why Linda will always be my "angel of caring." Linda told me today in an e-mail that she felt almost like I was sitting with her today. Well I virtually was for sure! That brought a smile to my face, because I know the fear, anxiety, and the stress associated with waiting endless hours while your loved one is in surgery.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Nursing homes are often a "dumping ground" of forgotten people who were once loved and loving individuals. This is not how aging should be; the elderly have a wonderful natural connection to the young, but there are usually no children anywhere in the vicinity of one of these places. I agree that we need to wake up and fix the problem because a good number of us will be eventual residents of places like this and truly we don't want to go there as they are now. I am glad you got out yesterday and had the opportunity for dinner with friends. The reaction you had to the girls on the computer is exactly what we all know; you and Peter were wonderful parents to Mattie, he had a terrific life before he became ill and the only thing that would have made it better was more time as a healthy child. You should have no doubts on that score. I hold you gently in my thoughts and I hope today brings some good memories to you."