Friday, January 22, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken on May 9, 2009, at Mattie's March (a walk for osteosarcoma awareness). Mattie is pictured here with Bob Weiman, the head of Mattie's lower school at SSSAS. Mattie and I referred to Bob as the "Magic Man." As a side note, Mattie did not want to leave his preschool to come to kindergarten. He loved his teachers at RCC, and when I told him he would be graduating from RCC and attending kindergarten at SSSAS, he was scared and hesitant about this transition. Well that was until Mattie attended a welcome event for new students at SSSAS. At the event, Bob performed magic with several of his fifth grade students. Bob captured Mattie's attention, and from that afternoon on, Mattie seemed to be excited about this new school adventure. I credit the turn around in Mattie's attitude to Bob's enthusiasm and energy. As many of my readers know, Bob connected often with Mattie when he was battling cancer. Bob taught Mattie magic, and these new found skills made Mattie feel special and important. He would never go through a hospital admission without the magic bag Bob gave him, and many of Mattie's nurses were great sports about watching Mattie perform! In tonight's picture, Bob and Mattie were performing their famous peanut butter and "booger" (booger instead of butter, naturally, because a seven year old boy, would much prefer the gross nature of the booger term) trick at the Mattie March. Bob has let me know since, that this trick has been unofficially renamed the Mattie Brown Peanut Butter and Booger trick. I just love this picture. It captures the happiness between a teacher and his student, it captures Mattie's joy, and I also love Brandon (Mattie's big buddy) in the background shading the magicians from the sun!

Poem of the day: An uninvited guest by Charlie Brown

Just two short years ago

Life was good and

It was the small things

That seemed to matter

And then came cancer

An uninvited guest

Who left taking my dreams

Along with him

Now I stand in the ashes

Of my dreams

And try to imagine a

New future without you

Sometimes I have glimpses

Of what that might be

But, it will never be

What I hoped

When I was innocent

Of what pain was to come

I will always miss you

There will always be a hole

In my heart, my dreams and

My life without you
My son
 
This morning I woke up disturbed. I was disturbed because of the nature of my dream. Since Mattie's death, I feel as if I don't really dream anymore, or at least I do not remember any of my dreams. But this morning, I remembered my dream quite vividly. Mostly because of the awful content. I dreamt I was staying at a hotel or at someone's house. While sleeping in this foreign place in my dream, I would wake up at night because I was being attacked by roaches, but not just any kind of roach, HUGE ones, the size of my hand. In my dream, I saw myself waking up and fighting off biting roaches. However, this only happened to me at night during the dream. During the day, in my dream, I was surrounded by children. When I woke up this morning, I was thoroughly upset. First of all, I hate roaches. However, Ann reminded me that Mattie loved roaches, and she asked me if Mattie was in the dream. It is funny she asked me that question, because when I woke up, I was trying to force myself to remember the faces of the children in my dream. In hopes that one of them was actually Mattie. But I have drawn a blank. Maybe Mattie is communicating to me somehow, since he loved to scare me with roaches made out of rubber, but this dream plagues me today. Why dream of something like this? Roaches of all things?!
 
I spent the day at a local hospital visiting with Ann's mom, Mary. Mary was admitted to the hospital because she hasn't been feeling well. Transitions from one place to another at Mary's age can be challenging, frightening, and stressful. Ann worked very hard at making this go as smoothly as possible, and I had the opportunity to go with Mary down for her x-ray, and sit with her through her various other procedures. One conclusion I have come to is that being in a hospital alone, without an advocate, is NOT a good thing. Mary really needed our support today, and as I watched her waiting in a hallway for an x-ray to be taken, I could see fear in her eyes. I remember that fear all too well. Mattie had many fears, all understandable. As Mary was waiting, I held her hand in the hallway, and kept her posted about what was going on. Mary asked me many times today not to leave her alone, because she too could assess that in her current condition she wasn't equipped to advocate for herself. I helped Mary with dinner tonight, and as always, Mary worries about me. She insisted on sharing her dinner with me, and what I realized that besides her worrying about me being hungry, what she was also saying is she did not want to eat alone. I certainly can't blame her, it isn't fun eating alone. Sharing food is always much nicer, and I can't believe that reality just hit me today. In any case, I was happy we could sit, eat, and chat. All medicinal in their own right! Mary wanted me to know that she thinks I am not real, but really an angel. In addition, because she thinks I am an angel, God will definitely be looking after Mattie. I certainly do not spend time with Mary because I expect this feedback, but Mary seems to know what to say about me and Mattie at just the right time.
 

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I love the picture of the kids at the pep rally. We pose children for pictures a lot, ask them to smile but this one is pretty natural with some funny expressions and one child facing another way with a sign. That's symbolic of how things usually are, not everyone is happy all the time and sometimes we are not even all going in the same direction. It was lovely of you to give your virtual support to Linda. After all you have been through you certainly know how to support someone else; that added to your natural loving, caring style makes you a wonderful support. As I practice today I will send my energy to you and I will keep you gently in my thoughts."