Tonight's picture was taken in August 2007, in San Diego. Seeing my parents in August became a family tradition. We would start and end our trip in Los Angeles, but in between we would visit San Diego. Mattie loved San Diego and all its attractions (SeaWorld, Touring the USS Midway Aircraft Carrier, and OF COURSE LEGOLAND!). In tonight's picture, you can see Mattie cuddling up with me because he had just gotten out of the pool, and was looking to get warm.
Poem of the day: Moments to Memories by Autumn Ater
My precious sweet child
Up in heaven above
How I miss your lovely smile
You are my forever love
To have one of such beauty
How happy God must be
The joy and love you bring
For all those there to see
My memories here are cherished
From moments I hold deep
Within my heart tucked away
Where tears are mine to weep
Yet I know God does catch them
And put them in a special place
Where one day He will reveal to me
His purpose and His grace
I miss you my sweet child
Your face I long to touch
I never knew it would be so hard
To love someone, so much
But God blessed me with an angel
Though human in disguise
Because he is almighty
Loving, true and wise
So for now I have these moments
That have turned to memories
And I will look forward to the day
When we share Eternity!
The last time I left Washington, DC and boarded a plane for a trip was in July 2008. I traveled to attend a conference I planned with my Association in San Diego. I left for San Diego knowing that Mattie's arm did hurt, but remember I thought he injured it in tennis camp. Needless to say, my body was in San Diego, but my head was in Washington, DC worrying about Mattie's arm. As a mom I had a sixth sense that something was not right! When I got back from my trip, Mattie's arm pain was even worse and I immediately took him to the doctor. It was at that point we learned that he had Osteosarcoma. Since Mattie's illness and death, I have been very hesitant to leave home. I know several of our Team Mattie supporters encouraged us to go away for Christmas, but in the end, that would not have been a good decision for us. We weren't ready to even think in those terms. Not that we are now, but an opportunity presented itself, and Peter and I are both boarding a plane on Friday and heading in two different directions. Peter is headed to Florida for the weekend to attend the wedding of a very close friend. Though I am there in spirit and am very happy for the couple, I know I am unable to handle the whole celebration around a wedding at this time. In fact, happy circumstances can make me very sad and depressed.
While Peter is going to Florida, I am leaving for California to visit my parents for the weekend. This type of trip is VERY unlike me. The flight to California is LONG and I don't like flying to begin with. However, Ann is headed to California to visit her aunt who is dying. She asked if I wanted to fly with her back and forth, and at the same time have the chance to visit with my parents, who I haven't seen since October. At the time when she asked me to do this, I couldn't even believe I was considering it. I am a very planned individual, and taking a long flight to California for two days doesn't sound reasonable or even logical. This is certainly how I would have thought about it prior to Mattie's illness and death. Now I view it more as an opportunity to connect with my parents, and it really doesn't matter what the logistics are. That may not sound earth shattering to you, but based on my personality, this is a major perspective change. Living life so measured and always doing the logical thing, is not only no fun, but it also prevents one from experiencing unexpected joys. So on Friday and Saturday, I will be writing to you from Los Angeles. I will see how this new perspective actually works for me!
I spent a good portion of the morning, trying to get ready for our trips. In addition, Peter and I are joining my parents on a week long cruise of the Caribbean, beginning on Valentine's day. So we have travel in our future for the next two weeks. It is funny, when my parents told me about this cruise, my dad's first comment to me was, "you will have access to the internet to write the blog." That made me laugh! My parents want us to get away, and part of me is hoping that leaving our home for this week will be therapeutic. The Caribbean definitely operates at a different pace and has beautiful weather. Now my internal joke is.... I may just stay on an island and leave the pain of our home and Washington, DC behind forever. Naturally I know this pain lies within me, and it isn't really location dependent. Nonetheless, in down days I do dream of happier places.
This afternoon, I had the opportunity to spend time with Ann and her children, who were home because of a snow day. Only in Washington, DC, could there be NO snow accumulation, and schools still be cancelled! It is hysterical. Her children had friends over, and their house was filled with a lot of life. We played board games, got to watch playdoh creations, and the list goes on. This is the energy that can only be generated by young minds! But there are times I can only absorb so much of this energy and life. Then I know I need to remove myself, which I have come to accept as a healthy thing. I don't deny or prevent these opportunities, but I also have to respect my needs and feelings.
I received this beautiful Cardinal photo today from Tad. Mattie and I loved Cardinals too, and we used to admire all the Cardinals that visited his school's campus. In addition to the photo, Tad sent me a very lovely e-mail. I realized something about myself from his message. Or maybe about all of us who have experienced the untimely death of a loved one. Such a death profoundly changes you, so much so, that I realize my conversations (and those of others who share similar losses) may appear more intense, raw, or honest to those around me who haven't survived such a trauma. Experiencing cancer and Mattie's death has almost stripped a layer from my skin. It has made me more vulnerable, more sensitive, and far more in tuned to the fragility of life. I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I also believe that those who were close to us, a part of us always, try to contact us the best way they can. In Mattie's case, I think you are right, he reaches out to you via nature, the birds, the moon, the breeze in his wind chimes. I can almost see Mattie with his own set of wings playing tag with the blue jays. I do have to tell you I agree totally with Kristen, that any answer you want to give is right. You should not feel sorry or guilty for what you say with respect to these sorts of questions. Although I am one who is reluctant to share with those I do not know; perhaps as Emily said, this particular person needed a reminder of how fragile and precious life is and what is truly important. Perhaps you did a mitzvah (a good deed) without even knowing it. I hope you have a peaceful day today; you are in my thoughts and prayers."
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