Sunday, January 31, 2010Tonight's picture was taken when Mattie was 14 months old. Peter and I learned early on in Mattie's development that he preferred to be outside, in the fresh air, moving about, and observing nature. So we pretty much got to know every nature trail in the Washington, DC area. Mattie loved going to Great Falls, VA. Great Falls had so many things that interested Mattie, from the Falls themselves, to all the trees and bird life. When Mattie was younger, he did not care to be around loud noises or lots of people, which is why being one with nature was most likely so soothing for him. As you can see from the picture, Mattie is in his favorite form of transportation again... the back pack on Peter's back! Notice Mattie's smile in this picture! As Peter says you could always tell who took a picture of Mattie based on how Mattie was smiling. If Mattie was pictured with a big beaming smile on his face, most likely Peter tells me it was me snapping the picture. I am not sure how accurate this is, but Peter's recollection of this always makes me smile.
Poem of the day: My Mom is a Survivor by Kay Des'Ormeaux
My mom is a survivor, Or so I've heard it said.... But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand...
She does not know I'm with her, to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach, which never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise!
But through heaven's door I see...tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death, to keep my memory alive...
But anyone who truly knows her...knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through heaven's open door.
I try to tell her angels protect me forevermore.
I know that does not help her, or ease the burden that she bears...
So if you get a chance go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels...
My mom has a broken heart, that time will never heal.
I agree with this poem, I am definitely a survivor. Sometimes however being a survivor is almost, with an emphasis on almost, as challenging as having experienced the cancer and died from it myself. The bond between a parent and child is very strong and very deep, and when you see your child suffering, it is impossible as a parent not to feel this intense pain too. In a way, though chemotherapy was not coursing through my veins, Peter and I lived and breathed the treatments. In the end though, Mattie died, and we are left to survive and live on. Surviving and living on at times seems almost as complicated as battling cancer itself.
I am on the mend today, but was still running a fever this morning. I was determined to get to the ballet, and therefore I rested and took Tylenol until it was time to go. I love the ballet, Romeo and Juliet. In fact it is my all time favorite ballet! The ballet score written by Prokofiev is haunting and captures the psychological turmoil that Romeo and Juliet face as they find themselves falling in love with each other. I recall my parents taking me to see this ballet when I was in high school in Los Angeles. I was taking a class in school at the time that required its students to experience different musical venues, and we were required to keep a journal about these experiences. So that night as I attended the ballet with my parents, I had my notebook in tow. Seeing Romeo and Juliet for the first time was electric. I did not know what to focus upon first, the sheer beauty of the costumes and dance, or the breathtaking music that fills your heart and mind. Needless to say, after that performance I had a lot to write about. At the time, I thought such an assignment was simply busy work. But I came to love and appreciate my art teacher, and she inspired me to have confidence in my artistic talents.
I went to the ballet with Ann today. She had never seen Romeo and Juliet before, and it was my hope that she would feel the same way about it as I did when I experienced it for the very first time. The theatre was filled to capacity, and somehow when I hear Prokofiev's music and get captivated by the dancing, I am transported away from my own problems and pains for a period of time. Something that is very much needed! I enjoyed my time out today, my time chatting with Ann, and of course the beauty that can only be captured and expressed through the ballet.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I certainly hope that you feel better today and that you can get out and go to the ballet. I know how much you love it and I think that like therapy it will do you good. Grief already generates its own illness symptoms and to be sick on top of that is just too much for anyone so I hope that you are better today. I meditated on what was said yesterday about balance in all things and I do think that applies to us all. It is good to work, but also to rest and to find fun recreation. It is important to both give and to receive (a problem for many of us). It is important to have both time alone and time with those we care about. As I practice today, I will work on balance in my life and dedicate my energy to helping you find your way toward balance in yours. Be patient and try out what seems right but don't be afraid to change course if it doesn't work. You have so many gifts, so much talent that I feel you will find something worthy and compelling to do. Whatever it is/they are, won't replace Mattie in your life, but will honor him and his memory."
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