Tonight's picture was taken at Deerfield Beach, FL in December of 2006. Deerfield Beach is a wonderful place for families, and along with my parents, we visited there with Mattie three years in a row. Mattie simply loved digging in the sand and building all sorts of structures. In fact, Peter and Mattie would transform the beach. They would spend HOURS designing, and by the time they were finished many beachgoers would feel the need to stop by and acknowledge their work. Mattie always took pride in his creations. In this particular picture you can see some found objects (like bottle caps for example) that Mattie picked up along the beach to use as decorations for his sand city! Mattie loved building with Peter and then decorating the structure with me.
Poem of the day: I'm an Angel Now by Janice Grogen
One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath a tree
I looked into the open sky and hoped he'd answer me...
I'm lost dear Lord, I've traveled far, but still I seem to roam
Please lead me Lord and light the way, I need to get back home...I told him of my burdens, and of the sadness in my heart
That from his gracious love, I'd never felt so far apart...Why did you take my child, dear Lord, I cannot understand
No longer can I see his face or hold his tiny hand....I'm angry Lord, I'm missing him, I'm drowning in my sorrow
Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow...
It was then I heard his gentle voice and felt his presence near
How I wanted so to hold him as I cried another tear...He said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now my spirit will be free
I'm an angel now in heaven so please don't cry for me
I was chosen by the Lord above and now I'm in his care
When you need me look inside your heart I promise to be there.
No one can ever take away our bond with one another
For I'll always be your precious child, as you'll always be my motherSo if you cannot find your way or the road to home seems far
Just look up to the heavens--and I'll be your guiding star!"
He said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now my spirit will be free,
I'm an angel now in heaven, so please don't cry for me."
I am very touched by the e-mails I have been receiving from our Team Mattie supporters since I have been away in Los Angeles. Many of our friends who live in Washington, DC are being inundated with SNOW! Yet despite being home bound and shoveling snow, our friends are writing to me, and checking in to see that I am okay and trying to enjoy my time away. What humbles me about this is that instead of being envious that I have escaped the snow, I truly feel that others are happy for me. Happy that I am trying to find a way to escape the pain for just a few days. I so appreciate this level of concern and support and I feel the need to say THANK YOU! I received several photos today of the snow through e-mail, and it is nice to see what is happening in DC, without actually being there.Thank you for thinking of us and making us feel missed.
I was simply exhausted last night, and despite only a three hour time difference between Washington, DC and Los Angeles, my body clock was all thrown off. I went to bed very early last night, and while sleeping I was jolted awake by rumbling. At first I panicked that it was an earthquake, but then quickly realized it was just a very bad thunder storm. My parents and I had a lovely day together filled with good food and lots of conversation. My parents took me to a brand new outdoor mall. My mom told me that she thought Mattie would have loved this mall. I was perplexed by this statement because Mattie HATED shopping. However, once I saw the mall, I quickly understood. This outdoor mall was beautiful, had a playground, and an amazing fountain. The fountain performed a water show timed to music. Mattie would have absolutely loved it. Not to mention the fact that there was an old fashioned trolley train that gave shoppers a ride around the outdoor space. All I could think of is I wish every mall was like this, because if it were, I may have actually been able to shop with Mattie when he was alive. Our typical indoor malls were a sensory nightmare for Mattie, and many times he landed up melting down in them. Needless to say after several meltdowns, I quickly learned malls were NOT a good place to visit.
My parents introduced me to a tearoom they enjoy visiting, and we sat down had tea and enjoyed chatting. In the midst of our outings, we also reflected on the beauty of Mattie and how much we miss him. In a way, my parents feel the loss of Mattie to a similar degree as Peter and I. Not that I am happy about this, but it certainly makes me appreciate or at least it validates my intense feelings. I sometimes have to stand back and realize they are grieving the loss of Mattie, but also the major loss for me. Though I am an adult, I am still their child, and no parent wants to see their child suffering or in such great pain. Somehow actually being with my parents allows me to see these feelings in a way that distance communication just can't capture.
As Sunday approaches, I am scheduled to head home on a flight. A part of me wonders whether the plane will actually take off because of the blizzard conditions on the East Coast. However, I realize there is no real reason for me to run back home. I don't have the responsibilities I once did, and I also am aware that if I do head home, I will be surrounded at home by snow and potentially isolated with Mattie's things and memories.
I have chatted back and forth with Peter today, who attended his friend's wedding. I wanted to share two VERY different pictures with you tonight. The picture on the left was taken by Peter. While he was talking to me on the phone he commented on his views of the ocean. I asked him to send me a picture, and this is the one I received. It looks simply beautiful from my vantage point. The picture on the right was taken by Tad. My fellow nature lover. This is a sight he captured outside his window today. Lots of snow and a beautiful Cardinal stopping by for a visit.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It's nice to see these happy pictures of Mattie and especially this nice sunny day when it is anything but here in Washington DC. It really was fortunate that you were able to change seats and sit with Ann. I have seen these overbooked flights many time and sometimes things get to be pretty unpleasant so I think you have a angel watching over you. I am glad that both you and Peter are off doing things elsewhere, because being trapped in the house by this weather is not good for anyone and it is especially bad when you need emotional support of friends and/or family. I hope that your visit with your parents is going well and that you are sharing the events in your life and reconnecting. I hope Peter is having a good time as well and that when you come back together you have some good things to share with each other."
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