Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Tuesday, March 5, 2013 -- Mattie died 182 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day. How do I know? It isn't like I remember the date, but I can tell this fact simply by what Mattie was wearing. When Mattie was living in the hospital he refused to wear clothes. He only wanted to be in pajamas. I tried to coax him at first to wear clothes by day to keep a normal routine. But I quickly saw nothing was NORMAL about his life. Therefore if he wanted to wear pajamas, which meant less of a struggle with his body parts to put clothes on (remember Mattie had three out of four limbs with prosthetics -- therefore putting clothes over his head was HARD as well as balancing to put on pants), then I respected his wishes. However, when Mattie was home between treatments he did wear clothes interestingly enough. So I know from this photo that it had to be an admission's day. On that particular day, Anna (Mattie's physical therapist) set up an obstacle course in the pediatric unit to inspire Mattie to get out of his wheelchair and use his legs and arms. If I showed you the subsequent photo in the sequence, you would see that Mattie used his right leg to kick at this pyramid of cones! The cones came crashing down!


Quote of the day: Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. ~ Margaret Mitchell


Today I went to my every three month visit to see a specialist following one of my many physical conditions. I have gotten to know this doctor since the Fall of 2009, when Mattie died. For me Mattie's death lives within my body and I would have to say some part of me is always hurting, in pain, or wearing me down as a result. Needless to say, after I saw the doctor, I came home and I literally went right back into bed. I was tired, feeling run down, and finally fell asleep.

I spent the rest of the day working on Foundation items, pursuing grant opportunities and the list goes on. My friend sent me the article entitled, "Being stoic for the spouse's sake comes at a high cost." I attached the link below. It is an interesting article that highlights a psychological study that assessed the impact of a child's death on a couple. Specifically the study examined a factor called, Partner-Oriented Self-Regulation (POSR). POSR is in essence the way in which couples either avoided discussion of their child's loss or attempted to remain strong for the sake of the partner. The results indicated that the only thing this type of avoidance accomplished was an overall increase in grief.

Dealing with a child's death is truly a battle in and of itself. It is an individualized battle within me, and I must admit it is hard at times to process it with Peter. I am not sure I avoid it to protect him, as much as it is to protect myself as well. In so many ways the battle is fought on two fronts: within myself and between us as a couple. Surviving the death of a child is an enormous task and it takes great understanding, love, patience, and commitment upon a couple to make a marriage survive. I think this article gives a brief glimpse into this challenge, a challenge which Peter and I are learning to continually deal with in order to grow and evolve as a couple.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/02/130220114044.htm