Saturday, October 4, 2025

Saturday, October 4, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend we took Mattie to Glen Echo Park in Maryland. This is a wonderful park that has a children's theatre, a marionette puppet theatre company, and this wonderful Dentzel carousel. I can't tell you how many visits to this park we made over the years. I am not sure who loved the puppet shows more... me or Mattie. I admired the creativity and skills of this company who designed their own marionettes and brought them to life. Truly the shows were so engaging that you could hear a pin drop in the audience! But no visit to the park was ever complete without us going on the carousel. Unlike Mattie, I dislike rides. However, the one ride we had in common was the carousel. We would sit next to each other and enjoy hearing the music as we bopped up and down on our horse of choice!

Quote of the day: It scares me how hard it is to remember life before you. I can't even make the comparisons anymore, because my memories of that time have all the depth of a photograph. It seems foolish to play games of better and worse. It's simply a matter of is and is no longer. ~ David Levithan

It was a tough morning getting my dad showered and dressed. Every other day, I am dealing with intense irritable bowel issues, and by the time I got my dad downstairs this morning, I felt like I went ten rounds. 

My dad had a physical therapy session this morning. While the therapist was working with my dad, I went outside to work on setting up our pumpkin inflatable. My mother in law gave us this gift in 2021, when we moved into the house. I have put it out on display every year.

While I was out there struggling to set this pumpkin up, several children in the neighborhood were riding their bicycles. They stopped to say hello to me and to let me know that they always look forward to seeing this cute pumpkin. I can't tell you how that made my day!

It was such a glorious weather day that I continued doing outdoor chores. I weeded several flower beds out front and then I decided to take on cleaning the windows on the first floor. Since our house has so many windows, when they are dirty, it makes you feel like you are living in a dirty fish bowl. So I went at it! Some people may dislike cleaning or doing windows.... I on the other hand.... LOVE to clean. Somehow it makes me feel productive, gets me moving, forgetting about my problems, and it beautifies my living environment. So it is a win win! 

This evening, I went outside to throw away trash. As soon as I walked onto the steps, I saw something that looked like a leaf, and yet didn't! I am well versed in the praying mantis. We used to get many of them in the city! Can you see this fellow was looking right at me?!

Did you know that many cultures view a praying mantis sighting as a sign of good fortune, even a sign of divine protection or a spiritual guardian watching over you? All I know is that I take whatever divine intervention and protection that is coming my way!  

Friday, October 3, 2025

Friday, October 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day he was invited over to his preschool friend's home for a Halloween Party. One of the games was to make two parents into mummies. So myself and another mom volunteered. As you can see, Mattie and his team were busy wrapping me up in toilet paper. They did such a good job, you can't see me! I will never forget Mattie's preschool and the amazing experience it was for both of us. In fact, I would say that some of my most loyal and supportive friends I made at Mattie's  preschool. Which is amazing, since we were only at the school for two years.... but I think raising a preschooler is challenging and it bonds people together in indescribable ways!

Quote of the day: Sometimes things become possible if we want them bad enough. ~ T.S. Eliot

Something told me last night, that I should get up earlier today (than usual) to be ready for my HVAC inspection and service. Paul, my HVAC tech, was scheduled to come over at 10am, but sure enough he text messaged me at 8am, and told me he'd be over at 8:45am. All my techs know that I juggle my parents and they try their best to work around me and the multitude of tasks that I perform in any given day. Keep in mind that this is a service appointment I was dreading.

In all reality it is good that Paul came at 8:45am, because he did not leave my house until 2pm! Paul knew my biggest HVAC fear! It is no secret, as we have been monitoring my furnaces (which are 20 years old) since we bought the house. In 2024, was the first blow. I had to replace the first floor furnace, because it had a crack in it. Gas furnaces with cracks are illegal to operate, as they bring in carbon dioxide into the home. So whether I was ready for it or not, I had to purchase a furnace last year. That was when I met my HVAC sales angel, Dylan. Dylan worked with me in 2024 to secure an 18 month no interest loan. I was so excited that this loan was going to be paid off this month, but I should have known better than to keep my hopes up! 

Paul alerted me that the upstairs furnace had a crack in it, and truthfully I was ready to jump out the window. I am not exaggerating! Literally Paul had to shut off the gas to this furnace, which means there will be NO HEAT upstairs. Thankfully we are having warmer days this week, otherwise, I would have a big problem with my parents. At 90 years old, I find they run MUCH MUCH colder!

At 2pm, I had to pause the process because my mom wanted to go out for tea. So I arranged for the HVAC sales person to come at 5pm today! When I opened the door at 5pm, guess who was there? Dylan.... my HVAC sales angel! He opened up with the line..... we have to stop meeting like this!!! I laughed hysterically! Naturally Dylan is familiar with my home, the HVAC issues, and after evaluating the furnace in the attic, he sat down with me and told me what was needed. 

Which meant, yes.... another loan. We worked on applying for the loan together and I am getting much better at assessing the process and how I can budget it each month. Would I like a life where I did not have to worry about money, bills, and my future? Yes 100%! But the difference between 2024 and today, is I wasn't as scared about the loan application process. I don't like it, but there are many things in life I don't like. What I can say is with each financial experience, I gain more knowledge and try to make better and informed decisions. This is a steep learning curve for me because I have lived a lifetime without having to use these financial skills. Anyone who says an old dog can't learn new tricks.... is WRONG! As long as we are alive, we can learn something and in the process, I have accumulated a handful of angels who help guide me through these overwhelming times. When I say.... GOD HELP ME, his help does not always lead to what I expect or what I am asking for, but I find he does connect me with professionals who have helped me in extraordinary ways over these last two years. For all these amazing people, I am grateful. 

Thursday, October 2, 2025

Thursday, October 2, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That weekend we took him to Butler's Orchard in Maryland. This was one of our favorite fall festivals because there was a hay wagon ride out to the pumpkin patch! In the patch, you could see the vines that the pumpkins grew on and truly it was land for as far as the eye could see. Just a special surrounding and experience and Mattie LOVED picking out his pumpkin or pumpkins in the field!  I am so happy we did these things with Mattie. I did not do these things as a child, which was why adventures with Mattie brought a whole new joy to my life. It wasn't just the activity itself that was the adventure, it was the energy and passion that Mattie instilled into each activity that remains with me always. 

Quote of the day: There are memories that time does not erase... Forever does not make loss forgettable, only bearable. ~  Cassandra Clare

Seriously, you have to be kidding!!!!! I put out two pumpkins yesterday.... one representing Mattie and the other me! Mattie and Me!!! Do you see the deer!??? She was going to chomp on this pumpkin until she saw me losing my mind inside the house! She then quickly moved along! I love our deer, but I don't want to see the pumpkins decimated the day that I purchase them!

Mattie was a big pumpkin fan, and when I moved into this house, I decided to continue the tradition of getting pumpkins and decorating for holidays. That may not sound like a big deal, but when Mattie died, I stopped all decorating! EVERYTHING!! When you lose a child, a large piece of yourself dies too. It makes it impossible to figure out how to survive in the world and you just don't have it within your heart to celebrate anything. So when Mattie died in 2009, that was the end of decorating. I only restarted decorating when we moved to this house in 2021. So that was twelve years without decorations! What changed that caused me to decorate again? I truly am not sure! Maybe the house was a new chapter, which allowed me the space to start up traditions in a way that honored Mattie's memory! However, another large factor is my parents. I decorate to orient them to the seasons! 

My dad has four physical therapists who work with him. The most recent addition to his PT team is Tiffani. Tiffani loves the way I decorate. I apparently have inspired her to create collages of her children's things, family photos, and now she is interested in many of my fall decorations around the house. She thinks I could design wreaths and sell them! She had me laughing today! Talking about this wreath today, reminded me how much I used to like crafting, creating, and when I designed this wreath in 2021, it was a happy and exciting time in our lives. A new chapter, in a house. 

If you look closely you will see a wooden truck welcome sign with hay in it and pinecones glued to the wreath.... all tributes to Mattie and his love of fall festivals and collecting pinecones. 

All these Fall decorations I purchased in 2021. I love the ledge over the front door, as I put seasonal items on it, to give the hallway its own seasonal flair. 

One of my Fall arrangements in the living room!

There are two places in the kitchen that I always decorate for the season. This is one of them! 

The kitchen has a pony wall between the kitchen and family room. I absolutely love this wall, as you can always find touches of the season on it! 

Wednesday, October 1, 2025

Wednesday, October 1, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old! We were outside on our deck. As you can tell from Mattie's expression.... he was NOT happy! What wasn't he happy about? His stroller! I can't tell you how many strollers we bought, in hopes we would find one Mattie could tolerate! It never happened. Mattie hated to be confined to a stroller. He did mind his car seat ironically, but strollers were NOT his mode of transportation!!! No amount of toys and gadgets helped the situation either. 

Quote of the day: The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared. ~ Lois Lowry

This morning, I dropped my dad off at his memory care center and then I decided I better go grocery shopping because on Friday the HVAC people are coming to inspect my system for its annual Fall check up! These HVAC checks make me neurotic, because I know they are going to tell me that the upstairs furnace will need replacing. They have been warning me about this, but as I told them I can only handle one furnace replacement at a time. Around 18 months ago, I had to replace a furnace, and this month, that thing will finally be paid off! Just in time for the next big hit! Any case, I am very nervous about Friday. In all reality, October is going to be a difficult month with renovations from the flood and don't get me started on the pool leak!

While at the grocery store, I noticed they reduced the price of pumpkins. Rather ironic, since to me October if pumpkin season. So as you can see I bought two! Pumpkins remind me of Mattie! He loved these orange orbs, and Mattie loved eating anything made from pumpkin. Which is funny because before Mattie came along, I disliked the taste of pumpkin. Mattie changed that for me! I always used to buy things in threes, symbolic of my threesome. Now I buy for two.... symbolic of mom and Mattie!

The fall wreath on the door, I created from scratch in 2021, after we moved into the house. I remember how excited I was that we lived so close to a crafts store. Something I always loved doing! I remember Fall of 2021, I came home from the store and designed this wreath on my kitchen island, with a glue gun in hand (Mattie would have been proud!). Any case, I store this wreath and it comes out every Fall. What I do know is if this wreath could talk, it would be talking about happier moments within my house! 

Later this afternoon, I had another bank appointment. Not about my personal accounts but about the Foundation. I swear between yesterday and today, my head is spinning. But with each meeting, I learn more and more, and get better at knowing what questions to ask. 

I really can't describe what my days look like, you would have to observe me to see that I rarely have a minute to myself, I am constantly juggling issues, needs, and problems. The other day I was talking to one of Mattie's doctors. She and so many people are worried about me and wanted to do something nice for me. Such as a spa certificate or tickets to see the Song of Music. At one point in my life, I would have thought either of those things sounded lovely. Now, nothing interests me, NOT a thing. As I told her, the best I can do is stick to my daily schedule and routine. I find deviating from this routine, is very anxiety provoking. I am sure that sounded odd to her as well as to those of you reading my words. But since my separation and divorce, this is all I can manage and focus on. My needs, interests, concerns, and well-being are of no consequence... this is how I feel. Yes my life should mean something, whether I am married or not, but to me on October 31, 2024 (when my divorce was finalized) a big part of life ended. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2025

Tuesday, September 30, 2025 -- Mattie died 814 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day he came home from kindergarten with this creation. I enrolled Mattie in an after school club, called construction club. The club was run by his teacher and since Mattie was all about building and creating, I figured this would be right up his alley! I was 100% correct! Mattie loved the club, and it was there that he learned how to use a glue gun! In fact, he was a champ with the glue gun, and Mattie taught me how to use one! But here is what I observed.... the skills Mattie gained in construction club served him well when he was hospitalized. As Mattie loved using found materials around the hospital and clinic to build, design, and construct. Creating served as a positive diversion from the horrors of childhood cancer. It enabled Mattie to be a child, NOT a child with cancer. 

Quote of the day: To lose a parent or a lifelong friend is often to lose the past: the person who died may be the only other living witness to golden events of long ago. But to lose a child is to lose the future: what is lost is no less than one’s life project—what one lives for, how one projects oneself into the future, how one may hope to transcend death (indeed, one’s child becomes one’s immortality project). ~ Irvin D. Yalom

If you read last night's blog posting, then you know I had a very difficult night! Which translated into a terrible night of sleep! I was able to fall asleep, but couldn't stay asleep because of my migraine and nausea. I got up this morning because I had previously booked an 11am appointment with my local bank manager. I have gotten to know this woman since my separation. She has been a God send. I thought I was going to talk with her about my savings account, but it turned out, she took this time to educate me and to create a plan to get me out of debt. Seriously, I call her my "miracle worker." Remember all my adult life, I did not manage my household finances and truly did not pay bills, deal with taxes, or address any financials associated with our life. Therefore, when I got separated and divorced, my learning curve have been exponential. Bordering on frightening. The problem with doing something for the first time is you don't even know what you should know or what questions to ask! Today I learned about credit card interest rates and since her goal is to make me stable again, I found her tutelage vitally important. She doesn't talk down to me, or treat me like I am stupid. But instead, walks me through things, writes things down, draws diagrams and we created a doable plan together. 

Literally we spent over an hour together and she even had to get the tissue box out. As I was in tears. Not because of my debt, but because here was a woman who is committed to helping me. In fact, when the plan was in place, she then sat next to me and gave me a big hug. She said.... YOU GOT THIS and CAN DO THIS! I will be visiting her next week as well for a follow up appointment and my goal is to bake her cookies as a token of my appreciation. Yes she is doing her job, but it is how she is doing her job.... with patience, compassion, and collaboration. 

My mom's fever broke over night and I believe the antibiotics are helping her. However, in my mind my dad is declining. He has absolutely NO memory left. He is disinterested in food and managing her irritable bowel issues are becoming problematic. When I say that I take it one day at a time, I mean it. Caregiving is daunting and overwhelming, but life without my parents is inconceivable, because when they die, I will be completely alone. For four years now, all aspects of my former life have slowly disappeared and therefore, I know I could never return to my previous life. That life died when I got divorced. 

Monday, September 29, 2025

Monday, September 29, 2025

It is 9:15pm, and I am feeling incredibly sick with a migraine. I juggled way too much today, and have been running back and forth to the pharmacy tonight, as my mom is running an 101 fever. First run to the pharmacy, I had to get a COVID/FLU testing kit. My mom tested negative and then her doctor prescribed her antibiotics since she has been suffering with symptoms for over a week. But that meant running back to the pharmacy before it closed at 8pm. The stress of today was way too much for me, on top of doing this routine for four years straight, contending with a divorce and the countless other horrors I have faced. Tonight, I was absolutely ready to give up, but I had to come home and make dinner for my parents. Food won't go down. Signing off for today. 

Sunday, September 28, 2025

Sunday, September 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was his first day of kindergarten. This was a milestone moment! I am not sure who was more anxious about this.... me or Mattie? I was used to Mattie going to a part time preschool, but a full day of school was another story! I worried .... would he make friends, would he like his teachers, would anyone pick on him, you name it! Ironically I quickly learned that Mattie could hold his own! I thought we were going to have many more first days of school! That never happened, because by the end of his kindergarten year, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Makes you realize, you must appreciate each moment. 

Quote of the day: I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow. ~ Fr Joe Mahoney

I am posting this photo is memory of my maternal grandmother, Anne. Today would have been her 118th birthday! She was an amazing lady. This photo was taken while I was in college. 

By the time I was born, my grandmother was already living with my parents. So in essence, it was like having two mothers! I was very lucky, and my grandmother was the model grandparent. Loving, compassionate, fair, and multi-talented! She was a real companion! In fact, I would say many of the skills and abilities I have today I can credit to her. I learned to cook, clean, organize, and be a caregiver from my grandmother. She will be forever missed. 

I continue working on various Foundation tasks, so I feel very strung out juggling caregiving and all that I need to get done. Of course the highlight of my day was opening my front door and finding...........................

Items from the Foundation's Wish List. We have the best friends and supporters! SO grateful for all of you! As you can see even Miss Indie was checking it all out! Nothing like a curious kitty! If I could only train her to open the boxes and sort!!!