Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie went out often on the Potomac River and was learning how to fish. That weekend, I was invited along! As you can see Mattie caught a catfish and was very proud of his prize. We snapped this photo and then back in the water the catfish went. We always loved the catfish because they look like they have whiskers like Patches, our calico cat! Don't you just love Mattie's smile? To me it is haunting, and it remains forever etched in my mind.
Quote of the day: Just as it is impossible to explain childbirth to a woman who has never given birth, it is impossible to explain child loss to a person who has never lost a child. ~ Lynda Cheldelin Fell
Everyday it is something, today was no different. Because I never maintained the household finances during my marriage, I have had a very steep learning curve over the last two years. This morning, I woke up to a message in my email about the escrow attached to my mortgage. I knew this was coming, as I made a note last year in my Sept/Oct spreadsheet that an adjustment to the escrow takes place in the Fall. I assure you when I got that first message in 2024, I was dazed and confused. Now I know an escrow covers the home owners insurance and taxes. Both of which seem to go UP and UP every year. Given what the adjustment was last year, I figured the amount would be in the same ballpark this year! Unfortunately it was not! It doubled. Truly at 8am, I went into a thorough panic. When this happens, I internally freak out. I say internally, because there is no one in my home who is capable of helping with these big decisions! Then just like everything else, I put that fear and anxiety somewhere, and mobilize into action by adding these amounts to my spreadsheet and taking a deep breath. There is one certainty and given to any of my days and that is.... crisis. Everyday there is something, and I am so so tired of it all. I am tired of managing everything in life alone. My lens was always as a twosome, and it is an enormous loss to me on a very deep level.
After this morning's escrow surprise, I then went out to examine the pool! Sure enough it lost another 1/2 an inch of water. I am once again measuring the water loss each day with painter's tape (with the date labeled on it). In addition, the pool has a fountain feature. I grabbed my phone to shut that feature off through the app. I am trying to address one issue at a time, to determine where the problem is coming from to explain the leak. I know the leak company found no external leaks in the drains or pipes this week.
On top of household issues, managing my dad's needs is getting more complex. Some days are easier than others, today wasn't such a day. Each morning, I have a big laundry load on my hands with bed linens, and once I get my dad in the shower, I have to wash him myself, because he no longer has the capability to understand what he is doing in the shower. If that is where it ended today, that would have been more than enough. But my dad had several bouts of his irritable bowel syndrome today, both at home and out at the restaurant. Truly my parents are lucky I have a strong constitution, because most people would be physically ill with these bouts. I am talking intense clean ups of my dad, the floor, and his clothes. Which is why I travel with gloves, garbage bags, and changes of clothes. Literally I felt like I went ten rounds before 5pm.
One of my friends, who knows the totality of what I am going through said to me that it is clear I am a very strong woman, I have great discipline, because any one of the things I am dealing with would cause most people to be depressed or unable to function. She asked me where this inner strength comes from? I don't know! Is it taking ballet at an early age and going to classes three or more times a week? Maybe! Was it moving to Los Angeles when I was 14, and experiencing ridicule and isolation? Maybe! Was it working my way through a doctoral program and jumping through countless hoops and graduating with honors? Maybe! Or was it having a precious child diagnosed with cancer and then die? Again, maybe! Or maybe it is all of it! We are the product of our experiences and the one defining quality about me is no matter how badly I feel, if someone needs my help or support..... I always put them first. So I suppose it is my service to others that is my compass and naturally my love for Mattie will always be my guiding star.
