Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Tuesday, December 24, 2013 -- Mattie died 223 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. As you can see it features the Christmas train I wrote about in last night's blog posting. Mattie loved this train and he wanted it in his Christmas photo each year. This photo was featured on the front cover of our Christmas 2007 card!


Quote of the day: As long as we know in our hearts what Christmas ought to be, Christmas is. ~ Eric Sevareid

We spent a good part of today at home. Both of my parents have been ill since I arrived and though they are beginning to improve, my mom seemed to take a turn for the worse today. Tomorrow several of my parent's friends are coming over for Christmas dinner and I have been working away on this for the past two days. I am making some of my favorite bigger dishes that I rarely get to make at home, since it is just Peter and I. 

While my mom was resting today, my dad and I sat down and chatted. We had the windows open and it was lovely to have the breezes from the 70+ degree weather pouring into the house. Something that I know I wouldn't be getting in DC. My dad has had quite an illustrious career and he typically doesn't share his stories and experiences with others. He is rather humble in that way. Nonetheless as he was recounting some of his experiences with people, places, and life lessons, the time this afternoon past by very quickly. Before I knew it, we went to wake my mom up for Christmas Eve dinner. When my dad was working I was a kid, a teenager, and then as a young adult I moved to the East coast to attend college. So I really did not get to understand or appreciate the true nature of his skills and what he accomplished. However now as an adult, I have a better perspective and I am happy to be able to take the time to listen. It was a non-planned moment today, which are the best kind of moments!



While I was talking with my dad, I noticed a HUGE visitor on the screen. I naturally was fascinated by this and took a photo! I never liked or was intrigued by bugs until I had Mattie. Mattie gravitated to them and naturally over time I had to accept some of them into my life. However to me this is the Christmas Grasshopper. Certainly I know this fellow isn't Mattie, but I accept this visit as a sign from Mattie, letting me know that he is thinking of me. In his own way he is with me, though of course I would much prefer the real boy! 

When I went outside to take a photo of the grasshopper, I also captured the hills that serve as the backdrop of my parent's home. Living in DC, I am used to non-stop noise, traffic, and airplanes overhead. Up in the hills of Southern California, it is peaceful. You rarely hear anything. 






This evening we went out to dinner. I am always amazed who is out and about during the week and the holiday is NO different. I really do not think people eat home anymore. Or at least this is my assessment based on traffic and FULL tables at our restaurant and other restaurants we drove passed. 

As Christmas is upon us, I assess our situation. This Christmas will be our fifth holiday without Mattie. I remember Christmas of 2009, our first Christmas after Mattie died. Three months after Mattie died to be specific. Peter and I weren't sure if we were coming or going back then. We went through the motions and back then we had friends who walked the grief journey with us for a year. However, losing a child to cancer affects more than just the first Christmas. It impacts EVERY holiday, EVERY day, and one's future. As tomorrow is Christmas, I am in Los Angeles and Peter is in Washington, DC. As you can see we still haven't figured out how to cope with the holidays! At the core, holidays are not the same for us and how we need to manage these times also varies. I do admit that even my own needs change from time to time. Some times I need to retreat and remove myself, and at other times I crave for someone to pull me out of a funk to do something fun. Something I wouldn't allow myself to do normally. It is hard to balance these feelings as an individual and it becomes even more complex to balance them as a couple. Because chances are each member of the couple won't be at the same place at the same time. Which is why surviving the loss of a child for couples is traumatic and takes work and understanding.   

As we drove home tonight from dinner we passed many houses filled with outdoor decorations. You couldn't miss this Santa!

My parent's neighborhood is known for its huge star decorations. Mainly because it is high up in the hills, close to the stars. It has been a Christmas tradition for decades to display 10 foot or higher stars in the front yards. It makes for a stunning sight as you drive up the hill. 

If I had to name this house I would call it "lights everywhere." You can't miss it, it is like driving passed General Electric! Mattie loved driving at night and seeing the lights. In fact, when Mattie was a toddler we took him to San Diego one summer. Typically we did not take Mattie out at night when in DC, but while on vacation we were out at night and driving. I still remember Mattie's reaction to seeing the city of San Diego aglow at night (not going out at night much he had never seen sky scrapers all lit up!). Seeing something for the first time through Mattie's eyes was indeed magical.