Saturday, January 25, 2014

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. I call this photo..... Mattie's eclectic look! You will notice he was wearing two shoes. One of which was his own and the other was Peter's, not to mention the two hats, sunglasses (in December), and his duck whistle. Mattie walked all around our home like this on that particular day, and it seemed noteworthy to me. Or noteworthy enough to take a photo. I really do not know what I would have done if Mattie had been alive before the age of digital photography. I would have a lot less photos and it would have been impossible to organize them and share them like I do. 


Quote of the day: Deprived of meaningful work, men and women lose their reason for existence; they go stark, raving mad. ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

I have been working intensely this week and basically had trouble getting it together today. Even after sleeping the entire night, after breakfast I fell asleep on the couch. Not being a napper at all, this was unusual for me. But Peter encouraged us to get moving and out today. It is frigid here, so the notion of going anywhere isn't truly appealing. The highlight of my week at home has been watching the birds. Our packs of sparrows have returned! I learned today that sparrows can live up to 20 years or so, so I really have no doubt that we have many return customers to our feeders year after year. It always amazes me how they know to come back to our deck! I am not sure what I love more, seeing the birds or hearing them. I absolutely love hearing them chirp and communicate with one another, not to mention observing their pecking order on the feeders is hilarious. All I know is it is great entertainment during the winter and in a way it makes me feel connected to nature and the outside world. Check out the sparrow who literally is clinging to the brick wall above the feeder. That to me this looks like a feat. 

Peter and I went out today to run chores and somehow while out, I saw several children walking with their parents. Many days I can put this into context, and not apply that context to my own life. However, on days when I am tired or stressed out, I become more vulnerable. Meaning that I can look at other parents with their children and really feel CONFUSED. I am confused because I do not understand why we do not have Mattie by our side. This mind game can actually throw you for a loop. Rationally I know Mattie has died and isn't with us, but there is a level of simple chaos inside my head. Why did Mattie die? Was I ever a mom? Why can't I remember those days as clearly? All I feel and live with now is days without Mattie..... the grieving days. It is quite hard to have a child and then not have a child, and no amount of logic and reasoning seems to straighten this out for me. 

Another bright spot in our home right now is our amaryllis. Peter got me an amaryllis for Christmas of 2012. This plant blooms only around the holidays and then the flowers die off for the rest of the year. But it is a bulb and therefore like all bulbs it shoots up at a particular time of year. This is the second year our plant has bloomed for us and it is so stunning. I wish it would last forever. In the midst of the cold and grayness it is a beacon of life, color, and hope. This flower is not unlike a griever. In which a part of it dies each year, but if nurtured by the environment and exposed to the right kind of care, something ignites from within and blossoms. May all of us grieving find the right setting and environment EACH YEAR to heal, be nurtured, understood, and inspired so that we may re-engage with the world around us.