Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was dressed up for a holiday concert at his school. Before heading off to school, I snapped a photo of Mattie in front of our tree. As you can see, Mattie decided to give me a funny pose. Getting dressed up in a tie and jacket was a big deal for us. This was a first for Mattie and frankly I wasn't sure either one of us could manage the process in the morning. Mattie typically did not like uncomfortable clothes, but that day he rose to the occasion and kept his jacket and tie on for the whole day. I remember watching Mattie and his class performing in the concert that day and I really thought I would have many more school holiday concerts to experience with Mattie. Little did I know that it was going to be our first and last.
Quote of the day: On particular tough days when I feel that I can't possibly endure, I remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far. ~ Open to Hope Foundation
My friend in cancer sent me tonight's quote. When I read it, it immediately resonated with me. Right now I feel like I am on Foundation OVERLOAD. I am balancing a ton of projects and planning for several events. Needless to say, I feel like I have been captured by my computer all week. In moments like this, I experience a lot of self doubt and feel as if I can't possibly get anything done, that things won't work out, and I will miss deadlines. Yet then I pause and reflect on the nature of tonight's quote and realize that my middle name must be endurance. Well technically my middle name is Anne (after my grandmother) but in all reality, surviving the death of a child to cancer builds up qualities I never knew I had before. Or course I would have been just fine being ignorant of these skills and therefore never knowing what osteosarcoma was, is, or can do to a child.
I love this portion of the quote...... "my track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far." What is a bad day?! That could be up to interpretation because the BAD days could have been the days when Mattie was battling cancer or the even WORSE the days we now face without Mattie's physical presence in our lives. In summary though what this quote implies is I am a SURVIVOR.
Even before Mattie got sick with cancer, people always made fun of me in graduate school and when I was working. The joke was.............. Vicki must never sleep! Mainly because I can work non-stop for days and can get a project done. A Clydesdale of the human world I suppose. So I had that propensity anyway, but I would say it has magnified by 10 since Mattie died. During Foundation busy seasons, I constantly work. Weekdays, weekends, morning, night, it doesn't matter. Partly I work this hard because this is what it takes to run a business of any kind, but the other reason I work is it is better than the alternative. The alternative is dwelling in grief. Naturally I have my down moments, but when I am very focused and working hard, it is hard to have a minute to be down, depressed, and sad. Which are natural tendencies for me since Mattie died. In fact, it is usually post-Foundation events and activities when I become even more depressed. Which is why receiving a quote like tonight's makes me stop, pause, reflect, and realize that my road to survivorship has been paved with many ups and downs so far. Surviving each day without Mattie takes super human strength and courage and bereaved parents need to constantly remind ourselves that we are being tested not just on our child's diagnosis day, but every subsequent day thereafter.
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