Tonight's picture was taken on November 13th of 2008, Peter's birthday. The last birthday he celebrated with Mattie. Mattie and I always brainstormed ways to acknowledge Peter's day and even though we were in the hospital, we got some help from Linda and Jenny (Mattie's child life specialist and art therapist). They helped us get cupcakes and design special and memorable gifts for Peter. Mattie created this model magic birthday cake for Peter. In fact this cake meant so much to Peter, that we still have this cake on display on a bureau. It looks just as lovely as the day Mattie surprised Peter with it! The wonderful thing about art therapy was it wasn't only beneficial for Mattie, but all the products Mattie created became pieces of his legacy to us. Aspects that capture his time with us, to those looking at this object it may just look like a cute cake made out of model magic. But to me this object tells a story. Like all of Mattie's art therapy pieces. They tell a story about Mattie's battle with cancer, they portray the special, unique, and creative force that he was, and they remind me that yes indeed he did exist for seven years and one time I was his mom.
Quote of the day: Wherever you turn, you can find someone who needs you. Even if it is a little thing, do something for which there is no pay but the privilege of doing it. Remember, you don't live in a world all of your own. ~ Albert Schweitzer
Our morning started very early because Peter had a 7am flight from Washington, DC to Boston. Despite it being his birthday, he had work to accomplish in New England. Peter also did a great deal of traveling when Mattie was alive. So I am used to this aspect of his career, but now that Mattie has died, I have become even more reflective and introspective about myself and everything and everyone around me than I ever was before. Which is saying a lot, because that was something I excelled at always. Being a deeply feeling person has its pluses and minuses in this world, and after losing Mattie, I would say that the grief of losing a child can sometimes be equated to being suffocated. There are times this feeling can creep up on you all of a sudden, and I assure you it doesn't only happen in the first year of grief and loss. It is pervasive and continuous.
In any case, as today is Peter's birthday, I couldn't help but reflect on past birthdays we celebrated together. Times when we were altogether as a family. In fact, the reality of losing a child to cancer doesn't always unite families together, sometimes it can fragment them. Sever bonds and it can leave the surviving parents floundering as a couple and as individuals. Without Mattie in our lives, friends and family do not know how to deal with us and in a way we no longer know how to deal with them. It is the ultimate double edged sword of never fitting in.
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