Saturday, January 13, 2018

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and a half years old and by this point LOVED bath time. So much so, that he wanted to take a bath every day! We never fought about going to take a bath, mainly because Mattie loved playing with this toys in the tub. It wasn't as if Mattie had specific bath toys. Instead, he preferred taking his every day toys and tossing them in the tub and creating elaborate play schemes. The challenge was getting Mattie out of the tub, which typically never happened until he was water logged!!!

Quote of the day: We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world––the company of those who have known suffering. ~ Helen Keller

Yesterday was 67 and today was 32 degrees. Talk about constant shocks to the system! This afternoon, we took Sunny to Roosevelt Island. As soon as we crossed the bridge onto the Island, we saw people stopping by a tree and looking up. So naturally we looked up and here is what we saw. Do you see this very large bird?!

A close up! This was a lovely pileated woodpecker. I just love the red plumage on his head. 












Naturally through this blog, I have spent a great deal of time retelling and reliving aspects of Mattie's life. Both when Mattie was well and when he had cancer. I have been doing this religiously each day for 9 years! Why? Well I have learned first hand that the only way to survive a traumatic loss is to constantly retell the story. In so many ways, the blog is my therapeutic counselor and therapy. But it isn't only a Vicki thing! I have worked with many other individuals who are grieving the loss of a child or someone significantly close to them and the unifying theme is we all need to retell our stories! To the average listener, one would say..... 'are you kidding?' 'I have heard this numerous times before.' 'Aren't you over this?' 

In fact, I would say that the average person really can't help another person cope and manage through grief. Because it is labor intensive and it requires patience, understanding, and compassion. Which is why so many people turn to professional help. Because a therapist has to listen to you! It is a sad commentary, but it is the reality of grief. Others in our lives want to snap their fingers, click their heels together and puff..... make us all better!!! Unfortunately it doesn't work like this. 

I have to admit I did not have understand the importance of retelling stories until I lost Mattie to cancer. Ironically, there is a therapeutic technique called Restorative Retelling, that in essence captures exactly what I am talking about, just with the help of a therapist or support group. The whole notion of Restorative Retelling implicates two counter intuitive approaches. One would think that the only way to get past the loss of a loved one would be to “move on,” to pretend the person never existed, to block the memory of the person entirely from one’s mind and conversation. However, Restorative Retelling encourages precisely an opposite approach, which enables a person to relieve separation distress by promoting the establishment of a positive continuing bond. For me, my positive continuing bond is through this blog! I believe for each person, the mechanism maybe different.  

While investigating "retelling," I came across Robert Neimeyer's book entitled, Techniques of Grief Therapy: Creative Practices for Counseling the Bereaved. I loved this excerpt from his book:

The use of retelling or revisting, whether spoken or written in a private journal, has received great attention for its support in grief therapy. It is said one can achieve greater clarity and coherence in the account, and are able to accredit their own courage in facing down an anguishing experience. While not erasing the pain, narration of the loss in all of its cruelly objective and deeply emotional detail allows one to begin to glimpse more affirming meanings and possibilities in the wake of the horror, seeing how they responded lovingly to the deceased, or imagining more clearly how they would have, had they been given the chance. 

Meanwhile Dr. Steven Hyman, neuropsychiatrist and a former head of the National Institutes of Mental Health, had this to say in 2011:

The traumatized person should share what he wants with people he knows well: close friends, relatives, familiar clergy. It’s so commonsensical. But the power of our social networks—they are what help people create a sense of meaning and safety in their lives.

So what's the point? The point is, the next time you hear a family member or friend recount the story of a deceased loved on, don't roll your eyes or think to yourself.... I have heard this before. Instead, realize that you are actually serving a crucial role in this person's healing and more importantly helping him/her find a way to exist in the world while keeping the memory of his/her loved one alive and intact. I think if we did more listening to those in our lives, especially as it related to grief, there would be less of a need for professional counseling.