Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie's hospital, more specifically his art therapist, secured us amazing seats at the Lion King in NYC. They gave us six seats, so we invited my lifetime friend (Karen), one of Mattie's babysitters (Emily), and her fiance (Adam). It wasn't only an experience seeing the production but then we were invited back stage and got to meet some of the cast. Karen snapped a photo with us with Nala (the female lion). Mattie of course couldn't walk because of his limb salvaging surgeries, nonetheless, Peter carried him the entire way so he got to experience being on Broadway. Literally we were standing on the stage of the Minskoff Theatre!
Quote of the day: The past is never where you think you left it. ~ Katherine Anne Porter
Over the course of the past two days, I was contacted by a professor who served on my dissertation committee at the George Washington University. He invited me to serve on the committee for a dissertation defense of one of his students. The defense of a dissertation comes at the end of a long and arduous process, which may have unfolded over a number of years. The dissertation defense is a significant milestone signaling closure on a graduate student's career. Literally at the defense the student verbally presents a short overview of his/her work, then the committee has an opportunity to question the student in two rounds of questions. The student isn't only being evaluated on the research but also how well the research is defended. Last year, I had the opportunity to serve on my first dissertation committee defense. It was a positive experience and it is nice to be invited back to my alma mater. The reason I was invited last year was because of the content of the dissertation, it was about the impact of childhood cancer on parental relationships. Clearly in my strike zone. I even helped this student connect with an NIH researcher in order to obtain her data.
Before agreeing to serve on this year's committee, I wanted to know more about the topic. So I read over the dissertation proposal. I won't get into specifics here, but the topic relates to aging. A topic I know quite well from my own dissertation and research interests. Yet what struck me about last year's defense and this year's defense is both students used data sets obtained by someone else. Meaning another researcher conducted a large study and now the students gained access to this data to run secondary analyses. Why does this bother me?
It bothers me because this is very personal issue. As tonight's quote points out.... the past is NEVER where you think it is. So true. When you use a data set obtained by another researcher/institution, this cuts down on the time you need to conduct your research to obtain a Ph.D.. After all, you do not have to worry about where your research subjects will be coming from, the ethics involved around data collection, or going through your institution's review board to get your methodology approved. For my specific study it literally took me three years just to find the right agency who would give me access to their employees to collect data!!! THREE years! These other two students basically got their Ph.D.'s in three years total.
However, what saddens me is that when I was in graduate school, I identified a wonderful physical therapist at the GW Medical School who won an NIH grant and was collecting extensive data on older adults and their caregivers. I learned about her and met with her several times. She was eager for me to work with her and run my secondary analyses to obtain my Ph.D.. I was absolutely thrilled because with data, I would be able to write a dissertation and potentially graduate. When I shared the NIH grant proposal with my dissertation chair and shared the good news, her response was ABSOLUTELY not! She would not allow me to use someone else's data set. She wanted me to collect the data myself! I remember leaving her office that day in absolute hysterics. This is the complexity of being a graduate student. You are powerless! If you want to graduate you have to figure out how to work with your dissertation chair and effectively jump through those hoops. Which is why a majority of doctoral students drop out and only 2% obtain the degree. I am one of the 2%, and certainly one could say I am smart, but what I am is determine, tenacious, persistent, and I don't like being told NO!
Nonetheless after a three year long arduous search (and I mean arduous, as I called around the Country, willing to work with any corporation or agency that offered workplace support to their employees, employees who worked by day and then provided caregiving for an impaired family member when not at work), I did find a governmental agency willing to work with me. Yet, in July of 2002, I began data collecting. Keep in mind that Mattie was born in April of that year! So I was a new mom, and physically a mess. Not to mention exhausted from staying up all night with Mattie. I remember between caregiver interviews, I wanted to put my head down and sleep, but I never did. I pulled through it and in all reality, though it took me longer, I learned how to find research subjects, how to navigate my way through gatekeepers in agencies, and most importantly I got to hear for MYSELF the stories and insights from caregivers. No one can take that away from me. But what is clear, is the whole notion about being a doctoral student and the true harassment one experiences as a student will remain with me always.
After Mattie got cancer, I wondered if those academic stresses I was under while pregnant caused his cancer. I thought about this quite often. Clearly I had to let that go, because it served no purpose. But like many milestones in my life, they are connected to Mattie, as I was determined to graduate before Mattie got older.
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