Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. On the TV, was a video in the Little Einstein series that I was playing for Mattie. But this was how Mattie watched a lot of things. He could listen and focus on multiple things at one time. So while absorbing the music and the visuals, his little hands were always busy. Mattie loved to take out all of his videos that were stored under the TV, and examined and played with them. He was our ultimate multi-tasker! I would say the only thing on TV that got Mattie's 100% attention was Elmo on Sesame Street. Mattie could be anywhere in our home, but if he heard Elmo, he'd quickly find his way to the TV.
Quote of the day: When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Today my dad sent Peter and I the poem entitled, And Then It Is Winter. I copied it below. The poem was written through the lens of an older adult, looking back at his/her life and wondering where had time gone? How did time fly by so fast? With age, one becomes reflective and develops a certain amount of wisdom. To me this poem is meant to spread the wisdom that comes with age to those who are younger. With the ultimate message of live in the moment and don't wait until tomorrow to do something, do it today!
When Peter and I read this poem, it evoked similar feelings for both of us. You will read Peter's reaction below. Mind you Peter and I read it on separate computers, and at different times during the day, yet we both felt the same way about the content! In essence, Mattie's diagnosis and death set about our own internal "winter." Though Peter's words may cause you to pause, they are our reality. A reality that we tend to keep to ourselves, because no one wants to hear it. It's too depressing!
AND THEN IT IS WINTER
To those who are older, and to those who are not quite there yet: This is a beautifully written piece, and so true. Take a couple of minutes to read slowly, then gaze out the window of your mind onto the landscape that is your life and ask the question, “What will you do to cultivate the years that remain?”
You know time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems like yesterday that I was young, just married, and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all those years went.
I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is... the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those "older people" were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is.. my friends are retired and getting grey... they move slower and I see an older person in myself now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me... but, I see the great change... Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so... now I enter this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last... this I know, that when it's over on this earth... it's over. A new adventure will begin!
Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done... things I should have done, but indeed, there are also many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not in your winter yet... let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can TODAY, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life... so, LIVE FOR TODAY and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember.. and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
"Life" is a GIFT to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.
Remember: "It is Health that is real Wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."
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Peter's reaction:
Although I am not your age (Peter is talking to my dad), I can easily see how time is moving much faster and has continued to pick up its pace with each year that I grow older. Case in point: Mattie died over 10 years ago (3,680 days ago to be precise). Ten years... just seems like yesterday. It's almost hard to believe that Mattie was born 17 years ago.
I do not want to speak for Vicki, but I feel a particular form of Winter has already descended on myself and Vicki with the loss of Mattie and the loss of all that came with the prospects of having a healthy, smart, growing and developing child that we could enjoy seeing and being a part of watching him grow up and mature.
We will never be able to experience any more of the "firsts" that come with raising a child beyond age 7... no graduations, sleep-overs, soccer games, birthday parties, holidays, family vacations, college graduations, first jobs, higher education, marriage, grandchildren... and the list goes on and on.
We also recognize that we will have no one to grow old with us, to be with us as we age, which is another collection of depressing topics and thoughts. All that has happened to us has deeply affected our lives, and those around us, as we have been permanently and irrevocably changed, and not in a good way.
I cannot think of one positive thing that has resulted for or happened to us because of Mattie's illness and death. Sure, we have helped other people, but I think Vicki and I know that we are forever broken, and while we have found a way to wake up each day and function, I find little joy or happiness in my life anymore. Yes, we have interesting moments, see new things and some fun times, but they are fleeting as we then submerge back into the abyss of what life has done to us.
We will keep on, as we have always done, but reminders to make the most of what we have today are important, as I know we will never be able to "do-over" each day, year or decade or moment.
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