Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was nine months old and I was able to capture the joy and laughter of Mattie. He was on the floor and playing with toys I had all around him. Mattie typically did not like being on the floor, so this particular moment was short lived. But I am so happy I captured it!
Quote of the day: When we quit thinking primarily about ourselves and our own self-preservation, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness. ~ Joseph Campbell
I think tonight's quote is poignant. I am not sure exactly what context Joseph Campbell was speaking about, however, when I read it, I think about parenting in general. As raising or caring for another human being, requires you to think beyond yourself and your own needs. In fact, while caring for Mattie throughout his cancer treatment, I would say my consciousness about life, the world around me, and my overall priorities were transformed. I would say the experience transformed me so much that I have been unable to return to the person I used to be. Instead, I have evolved into who I am today, and though Mattie is no longer alive, I would say my lens and focus remains on his needs. Of course his needs are no longer tangible. Instead, I nurture his memory and legacy through his Foundation.
If Mattie were alive today, he'd be a senior in high school. I am very aware of the fact that his friends and classmates are applying to college and families are managing the stress of that process and trying to determine next steps for their children. I can't relate to that stress, but I certainly can empathize. I honestly can't believe that Mattie's cohort went through preschool, elementary, middle, and high school. They are evolving and somehow I am stuck in 2009, with Mattie having completed only kindergarten. Look at all the years we missed with him! I have no idea what Mattie would have been like today, or even what subject matters would have caught his attention.
Yet Mattie was once part of the class of 2020. His class will be graduating in June, and in my opinion one important student will be missing from the event. But what does a school do for such a missing student? Does the school give the family a high school diploma for a child who has died? Some schools do this, as I know this directly from a fellow bereaved mom who is my friend. Yet there are no easy answers for the school community or the parents! Other than I am quite aware of the fact that graduation conversation is all around me. I am also well grounded to know that this conversation bothers me, angers me, and saddens me all at the same time.
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