Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old when this photo was taken. It snowed that day, and we went outside onto our deck and commons area to play with the white stuff! As you can see, Mattie was fascinated. Though we lived in the city, we had a wonderful flat, secure, and expansive outdoor space. Mattie learned so much in that space and though we live in a house now, with a lot of land, I ironically still miss this charming space. So many memories were made there, and whenever I drive by where our old home was, I think about these fond moments in time. Never to be forgotten.
Quote of the day: Being strong doesn't mean that you never break! Being strong means that even if you break into a million pieces, you still have the courage to pick those pieces up, put them back together, and keep going on. ~ Manprit Kaur
In order to get to the salon today, I got up at 5:15am. I woke up that early in order to feed Sunny and give him his chemo. Then get myself ready, breakfast made, and my dad washed and dressed. I dropped him off at the memory care center at 9am, and then drove with my mom into the city. My mom was getting her hair and nails done today. Typically when I am at the salon with her, I am the one waiting. But today, I booked a hair appointment while she was getting her nails done. My hair took a while and when I finally retrieved my mom, she started complaining. She wasn't happy waiting and the list went on.
Literally at that point I screamed..... I can't win! Which is true, I can't. I can't do one thing for myself without push back and a lecture. Needless to say, this put me in a foul mood.
While I was at the salon, I looked at myself in the mirror and all I saw was a tired and rapidly aging individual. I am worn out and there is little appreciation, but only more demands. When I got my hair conditioned, I was sitting at a table in the salon while this stuff was being added to my hair. I couldn't help but hear the woman across from me chatting to her hair dresser. It was clear she knew him well, and that she comes to the salon often. She told him she had an emergency today! Want to know what it was?
The emergency was she had a party to attend tonight and she needed her hair done and styled. She set aside 3 hours to do this mind you! In addition, she continued by complaining about the fact that her nanny quit! NO SURPRISE THERE! This young woman has NO IDEA what an actual emergency is, because I do not and NEVER did at any point in my lifetime thought that getting one's hair done for a party would be considered an absolute emergency. I would like to show her what a real emergency actually looks like.
I compare this thirty something to my life.... she clearly has a healthy child, gets invited to parties, has time to get her hair done, and here I am with little to no freedom, and managing intensive caregiving needs around the clock for 14 months straight without a break!
I wish I could say after the salon I had a break! Forget it! I came home, let Sunny out, managed the laundry, put away dishes in the dishwasher, loaded up a bag for my dad, and then retrieved him from the memory care center and took my parents out to dinner. Of course as soon as I got him out of the car, he had to go to the bathroom. Some days the best I can do is take a deep breath and try to reset, because tomorrow will be more of the same.
At dinner, my dad explains that he is worried! Particularly worried about one thing, that he even dreams about. I was expecting something major given his description. However, he is worried about the simple fact that I don't have a centralized listing of all the meds he is on. He says if something happens to me, no one will know what he is supposed to be taking. Honestly this whole dialogue was insightfully hysterical. Hysterical because he is trapped in his own world and the only thing he worries about himself and better yet it hasn't dawned on him that if something happens to me he is going directly to a nursing home. He hasn't made that leap in thinking. A listing of his meds is so low of the list of importance that I was ready to scream, but instead, I came home and typed up a list, so we can put that worry to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment