Saturday, July 8, 2023

Saturday, July 8, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken on July 13, 2008. Literally ten days before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. At that point in time, we were clueless. What a beautiful place to be! Mattie had a loose tooth and he was trying to demonstrate by wiggling his tooth for the camera. What a precious face and Mattie got very excited when a tooth would come loose, because it meant he got to write a note to the tooth fairy. Mattie would write a note, leave it under his pillow, and then make requests of the fairy. He did not want money! Mattie would ask for hotwheel cars and one time he even asked for a necklace made out of uncooked pasta! Don't ask me, but the fairy got used to all sorts of requests coming from Mattie. 

Quote of the day: The trouble with anger is, it gets hold of you. And then you aren’t the master of yourself anymore. Anger is. ~ Jeanne DuPrau

This morning, after doing my usual chores, I awaited my dad's physical therapist to arrive. Once she showed up, I decided to go for a walk with Peter in our neighborhood woods. It is so so hot out, that I figured the woods would be shaded. On an aside, I have developed a horrible heat rash and had it since July 4. It isn't going away or getting better. 

Any case, look at how beautiful this green space is! Despite it's beauty I entered this space quite agitated and angry. I landed up yelling at Peter and then speed walking away from him. Given that Peter just had surgery, there was no way he could follow me. 

Despite the heat, I spent about 90 minutes walking and literally screaming alone. Screaming and talking to myself to be specific. Thankfully no one was around me, because I am quite sure I looked like I was ready to be committed. 

This instability is the direct result of intense caregiving for two people with dementia. It has caused havoc in my personal, professional, and married life. Yet from my parent's lens, their focus is on themselves and their needs. 

It is very frustrating to me, and I am trying to do what I think is best in terms of caring for my parents, but I can see that in the process this has come at a big price. I have no answers tonight, just anger, agitation, and sadness. While sitting down for the first time today, I received an email from a fellow friend, who is also a caregiver to a parent. She explained some of the issues she is confronting and truly her email was a gift. It made me feel less isolated, alone, and definitely made me feel that the issues I am facing now are NOT because of me, but because of the intense and relentless tasks I take on each and every day. Not that knowing this resolves my issues, but there is great comfort in knowing that I am not alone and other caregivers understand the devastating consequences of this role.