Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was 15 months old and beginning to walk independently. That was his first trip to the beach and as you can see, we weren't actually on the beach. Mattie preferred playing on the deck and working with the hose! One thing was for sure, the house had the cleanest deck after Mattie stayed there for a week. On that trip, we made it onto the beach only once. That was more than enough for Mattie, as the sand and surf scared him. We followed Mattie's lead and thankfully we selected a house right on the water, so we could at least see and hear the Atlantic Ocean.
Quote of the day: Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain. ~ Emil Dorian
This morning did not go at all as I had expected. I wish I could say this is an unusual occurrence in this house, but unfortunately it is not! After doing my usual routine, I got my dad downstairs, gave him a haircut and then served him breakfast. I was supposed to take my parents out to brunch today, at the restaurant we visit every Sunday. However, our server, Cheryl, text messaged me to let me know she wasn't going to work today, as she was getting ready for her family trip to the beach. I knew Cheryl was going away, but originally she was scheduled to work the brunch shift. In any case, it is my tradition, that when Cheryl goes away with her sisters, I give her a card and a monetary gift. She takes such good care of us, that I try to go the extra mile and reciprocate the best I can.
Given she wasn't going to work, I wouldn't be able to give her the card and the gift. I wasn't going to have that. So I told her that I was going to drive out and meet up with her, in order to give her the card. Understand that this means a 30 minute drive to Cheryl, and a 30 minute drive home. I am not sure most people would take this on, in addition to the other things I am balancing, but no matter how tired and overwhelmed I am, I try to think of others first. That is a quality that defines me, with or without caregiving.
However, before I could jump in the car and go, my neighbor and her children came over. One of her children turned 7 years old today and Peter got the little boy a few gifts from us. Raising young children is a subject I am quite familiar with and naturally it is hard to look at this little boy and not think of Mattie. For me, Mattie will be forever 7. No matter how much time lapses, I still get angry that Mattie did not get to have more than 7 years on this earth. Others take for granted the fact that their children are alive and can celebrate birthdays! What I have learned unfortunately is that childhood birthdays are NOT a given, and there are no guarantees that a once healthy child will get diagnosed in the future with a catastrophic disease. What a horrible and cynical way to look at the world! Yet this is my lens.
Happy and milestone events that others celebrate, I instead look at them in quite the opposite way. Weddings, pregnancies, births, birthdays, graduations, holy communions, confirmations, etc..... all of them make me sad. Sad because I remember moments of great happiness for example giving birth to Mattie, but then of course six years later, hearing the words no parents wants to hear.... your child has cancer, changed everything for me. So a happy and joyous event is attached to devastation and life altering experiences and great loss. Mattie has been gone for 14 years, and you would hope that by now I would have made more progress. I suppose I can live in hope, but for now, I accept that I have these insights, intense feelings, and for the most part try to keep them in check when interacting with others. Emphasis on try, as I am not always successful.
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