Sunday, July 9, 2023

Sunday, July 9, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in July of  2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend we took him to Roosevelt Island. This is a place we visited practically every weekend. It brought all of us so much enjoyment. We visited this spot during every possible season and I feel a piece of Mattie's incredible spirit lies in this green space. 

Quote of the day: And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about. ~ Haruki Murakami

Tonight's quote is so poignant. There are many figurative storms in our lives, and some are much harder to cope with, manage, and recover from the devastation. However, it is so true, these experiences and traumas alter us. Whether we want them to or not, and the changes occur physically, emotionally and socially. Certainly some changes can be good and may cause us to grow and develop in ways we never thought were possible. But not all change produces positive results. Some experiences are so deep and affect every aspect of living, that it becomes impossible to return to the person we once were. I would say Mattie's diagnosis and death produced such life altering changes, and caring for parents with dementia on top of surviving childhood cancer is a bad bad combination. 

Have I changed as a person because of these two caregiving experiences? The answer is yes. Losing Mattie has impacted every aspect of my life and frankly I wasn't sure I could regroup and continue living. But some how I did. As a result however, I am far less social, I prefer more solitary time, I have trouble reading and processing information (especially if there is other noise around), and this is just some of the changes. Now add, caregiving around the clock for a year and a half without ONE DAY break, and I think this would alter anyone. Despite being exhausted and frazzled from meeting constant demands, at the core, who I am as a person remains the same.  

I have spent the weekend, playing with templates the artist left me. We have been trying to figure out how many paintings we want to display on this wall and once we figure that out, we will work on content. I have been up and down on a ladder all weekend. This was one of the options I generated and once up we live with it for a few hours we can easily say yay or nay. This eventually got a nay, as we all thought it was too busy. 

Then I tried this combination. My dad was watching TV, while I was playing with templates. This got a nay too!

Then I moved to this option, again, after a few hours, it too got a nay!

Then we landed up with this option. This option resonates with all of us. The problem is this wall is so huge that smaller sized canvases will get lost in this space. Any case, we will live with this for a few days and then determine the final verdict.