Saturday, October 7, 2023Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two years old. I will never forget this moment in time. That day his Montessori preschool went on a field trip to Butler's Orchard in Maryland. This is how I learned about this great farm! In any case, because Mattie was having difficulties with the director of this preschool and his classmates, I found my way to volunteer and serve as a class chaperone that day. Thankfully I did, because I would never have captured this adorable photo otherwise. The kids took a hayride out to the pumpkin patch, and Mattie picked this orange cutie to take home. I absolutely love the composition in this photo, with color, context, and Mattie's gaze into the camera.
Quote of the day: Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world. ~ Buddhist quote
There are times within any given day where I say to myself...... can I really do this? Can I make it through another day living with such stress, chaos, and uncertainty? Of course what I am reminded of is the simple fact that I survived the worst stress possible in 2008 when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Though I did not undergo cancer treatment myself, I endured endless stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, and the chaos of living within a pediatric intensive care unit for 14 months. Now it is 14 years later, but the stress remains within me. Therefore, whenever I am faced with subsequent intense stress, I may not react like a "normal" person. Instead, I react in a very hyper-alert manor and in this mode, I truly can work non-stop, almost robotic like. Which means avoiding and absorbing true feelings, because there is no time to process them. Or if there where time and I did sit with these feelings, I wouldn't be able to function in my caregiving role. It is kind of a double edged sword. But a sword that is unfortunately very familiar to me.
I took my parents out to lunch today and my mom and I realize we can not talk about emotions or anything serious in front of my dad. It exacerbates his irritable bowel syndrome. So trying to keep things light and entertaining, is exhausting. On my drive home, which was about 40 minutes, I turned the radio on. The host was talking about dogs in the first hour and to make a long story short, we all were engaged listening to this show. It took our minds off our troubles and made a 40 minute ride, seem like 15 minutes.
I am happy to say that we finally finished the 1,000 piece puzzle of California. It took us WEEKS! But we did not give up. Initially I bought puzzles for my dad, but he has no interest in them and the activity only produced frustration. So instead, my mom and I are enjoying the activity and we work independently on it in whatever free moments we have in any given day. Tomorrow we start a puzzle of the world!
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