Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. That day we brought Mattie back to the hospital because he had a raging fever and was neutropenic from chemotherapy. While waiting in the clinic to get admitted to the in-patient units, he received a visit from Santa and Mrs. Claus. Literally before Santa came into the room, Mattie's head was done on the pillow in his lap. Mattie picked his head up long enough for a photo, received a boat load of gifts, and then collapsed back into the pillow. Putting this picture into context, makes me pause and say.... Mattie was extraordinary. Because if I were him, I would have cared less who came into the room. My head would have remained on the pillow.
Quote of the day: Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
I moved my parents from Los Angeles to Virginia in December of 2021. I have been caring for them for two years straight now... not one day off. Caregiving is challenging enough, but caregiving for people with dementia adds a whole level of complexity to the role. With my parents, there is also a lot of anxiety, stress, and repetition. In fact, I will hear the same stories, reflections, and questions over and over again. Not only from day to day, but depending on the context, I could hear in multiple times in one hour. Honestly that I haven't cracked up yet is remarkable. It speaks to a human being's capacity for strength, compassion, persistence, and gratitude. Gratitude because all my life, my parents have looked out for my best interest. So there is no way in their time of need, I wouldn't do the same. Yet all choices have consequences.
Today, Peter and I had the opportunity to chat and connect outside of the house. This is very needed for me because when I am home, I am pulled every which way but Sunday, and it is hard to be myself, to focus on conversation, and truly connect with someone in a meaningful way. We have a shopping mall about ten minutes from our home and finding a quiet place to talk within a mall can be a feat, but we found it.
Peter and I have been together since we were 19 years old. That is a long time. Through the years we have had many highs and many lows. The lowest which was and will always be Mattie's death. But through all these ups and downs, we have each other. We have always understood each other, respected each other, and could prop one another up in down moments. Somehow being in the mall away from home, enabled me to see that 19 year old that I fell in love with all those years ago. Certainly love changes and grows over the decades, but it is who I am, my love is always unwavering. It is fascinating how the human brain works, as I stared into Peter's blue eyes, memories of our life together flooded in and over me. As I sat in the mall, what I noticed about myself is that Christmas did not seem all that daunting, that life seemed more manageable, that with love anything is possible. Needless to say that was a intense visit to the mall.
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