Wednesday, December 27, 2023Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four years old and by that time, taking photos for our Christmas card was much easier. Mattie loved the Christmas train that we got for him, and it became an annual tradition. No tree was complete without it! After Mattie died, we did not decorate. I just did not have the heart for it. When we moved into our house in 2021, because my parents are with us, I decided to decorate again. That may not sound like a big deal, but it was huge! Decorating meant resurrecting Christmas ornaments and lights, having a Christmas tree and of course re-assembling Mattie's Christmas train. It was lovely to see our tree in 2021 and 2022, and appreciate Mattie's hand made ornaments and other things we collected over the years. Though I decorated this year, I did not feel emotionally up to having a tree. So in some ways it feels like I have regressed back to my state of intense grief.
Quote of the day: If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. ~ Emily Jane Brontë
In my office, I have built in book shelves. Yes I do have some books on these shelves, but for the most part I decided soon after we moved in, that I would devote these shelves to all things Mattie. Over Christmas, my friend in childhood cancer, Ilona, gave me two gifts. One was this butterfly demi tasse cup and saucer. It is whimsical and charming. Naturally all butterflies connect me to Mattie. So I felt this cup belongs on Mattie's shelves.
Ilona is also an artist. She created this beautiful 'Lollipop Tree' (framed) for me. The significance of this tree is it represents Mattie's memorial tree at his school, dawned with all the ornaments and keepsakes I add on holidays and milestone moments. The Lollipop Tree sits right next to Mattie's Lego taxi that he designed from scratch with two Lego masters. Meanwhile, this is what Sunny is doing to our pillows. This is the third one he has destroyed. Sunny used to do this when we lived in the city. Typically he would act out when he felt he wasn't getting enough attention. But Sunny never did this at the house! This behavioral component is a new addition to my daily routine. No matter how much attention I give him, the fact that we go on walks, that I hand cook his food, I still get this! So now I am concerned he is acting out because he isn't feeling well. He goes to see the oncologist tomorrow for blood work, so I will be updating the staff on what's going on.
For about a week and a half, I have been suffering with sinus pressure, pain, and a post nasal drip. Over the last two days it has gotten worse. I feel like I am drowning in fluid. I contacted my doctor's office and asked for antibiotics. You would have thought that I was asking for narcotics! They wouldn't give me antibiotics without an appointment. I literally said NO, that I wouldn't come in. So they went to tell the doctor I refused to come in. The doctor's nurse then called me and gave me some lecture on rules and regulations. Again, I really don't care! I am balancing a circus show and I told the nurse I needed compassion NOT a lecture. So instead, the nurse booked me for a virtual visit today at 4:15pm. I complied! Of course after a 15 minute appointment with the nurse practitioner I was prescribed antibiotics. The system sucks, as I could have saved them the 15 minute appointment, if they had listened to me in the first place! It's not like a sinus infection is new for me. I get one or two a year, at almost the same time each year! All I know is this sinus infection is exhausting me and I could literally fall asleep standing up.
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