Sunday, January 28, 2024

Sunday, January 28, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. I will never forget this moment in time. Mattie was at his "girlfriend's" birthday party. Charlotte is not pictured here. Instead, Mattie was sitting next to his good friends, Abbie and Campbell. I have to say that this party was hard for Mattie as he couldn't relate to the other kids. However, his core group of friends stuck by him and made sure he wasn't isolated out. Honestly I learned so much from Mattie's friends during his cancer journey and the power of friendship. Certainly friendship couldn't change how Mattie was feeling or the fact that he had cancer, but feeling connected and a part of something were powerful and meaningful forces of his healing. 

Quote of the day: We need to go first because we cannot live without your love and care. If we lived longer than you, we would not and could not survive. It’s supposed to be this way. We also need to cross the rainbow bridge before you do so that we can be on the other side to greet you when you get there. We wait at home for you here, and we wait at home for you there. It’s just the way it is. ~ Kate McGahan

This maybe one of my favorite photos! I took of Sunny when living in the city. That day we went for our walk and then in front of our complex was a beautiful bank of tulips. I stopped and snapped this photo. One thing I will always remember, and that is when walking Sunny in the city, not a day went by without someone stopping to talk with me and comment.... what a beautiful dog! Since moving to the suburbs, NOT one person has ever commented about the beauty of the Sunman. Who knows why, but I always made a note of it. In addition, I also noticed that city dogs and their owners are far friendlier than in the suburbs. In the suburbs no one wants to stop and talk. Most of the dogs in our neighborhood, border on unstable, and the owners are not interested in making a connection. What a sad commentary. Fortunately Sunny and I had many happy walks and time to bond in the city with each other and other dogs. 

When I read tonight's quote, it made me cry. There is something about that Rainbow Bridge that gets to me every time. What I do know is when Mattie first died, I always worried.... who is taking care of Mattie now? Is he happy? Is he scared? What does his life look like now? I was plagued with these questions for months. As his mom, I felt that I should be there for him, to protect him, and the physical separation from him was earth shattering. All I can say is I wish Mattie were alive now, as I could use his support, loyalty, and love. One thing was always clear to me and that was our incredibly strong bond. We were emotionally alike in so many ways. 

Losing Sunny brings up the trauma of losing Mattie ironically. Like the feelings I had with Mattie, I also wonder.... how is Sunny? Who is taking care of him? Has his body been restored and therefore able to chase squirrels and fox? So many questions and NO answers to any of them. My greatest hope is that Mattie and Sunny have been introduced to each other, that Mattie has finally got the dog he always wanted and that one day, both of them will be there greeting me on that Rainbow Bridge.  

I spent a good portion of the day working on Foundation things and then took my parents out for brunch. It is the one day a week that I don't cook. I am not sure what I like better, not cooking and cleaning or being able to see people and feel like I am a part of the world for two hours. Of course, no meal is ever complete without my dad's need for the bathroom. Today he did not make it in time, and I had a full clean up job to do in the ladies room. Literally I don't know how I make it through day after day, week after week, or month after month. I am being tested on every level and the verdict is still out on the outcome.