Thursday, April 11, 2024

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009. Mattie was celebrating his 7th birthday party in the child life playroom. In addition to friends from school coming to the hospital to celebrate the occasion, Mattie received many visits from his friends in the hospital. Pictured with Mattie here is Jey. Jey worked in radiology. Mattie had challenges with the radiology department, as most of the techs were used to working with adults, not scared and traumatized children. We were introduced to Jey early on and he adopted Mattie. Jey would call Mattie his "little brother." In fact, Jey once took on a radiology tech, who thought that Mattie was sassy and difficult. Jey educated this tech about Mattie's journey and what he endured. Needless to say the tech had a MAJOR change of heart! On the day that Mattie died, Jey came to our hospital room and personally escorted Mattie's body to the hospital morgue. He said no one else was going to take his "little brother." I will never forget Jey, the beautiful connection he shared with Mattie, and what a huge difference he made in our lives. 

Quote of the day: I'm a great dog fanatic. My own dog died a little while ago and I take it very personally when things die—it's a major offence. ~ Clive Barker

Each day for me provides different emotional challenges. When you are a two some for 35 years, you learn to take on certain roles, and then lose focus on others, because you know your other half has them covered. We all naturally gravitate to certain tasks and responsibilities, given our strengths and interests. Now that I face life alone, I have to focus on tasks that I haven't had to do all my married life. It can be daunting, scary, and honestly can bring about fear and panic. Yet I try to persevere, figure things out, and stabilize a very unstable situation. 

Some days I question why am I getting out of bed? But the answer always is.... my parents rely on me. They need my help. So no matter how I feel, I function. My mom and I had several phone calls to make today and in one of our conversations, the person on the other end of the phone told us a story about what happened in his life. What happened isn't the point, the point is that he said what got him through such a difficult time was knowing people relied on him and that all he thought about was.... maybe tomorrow things will be a little better, a little less difficult. Though this conversation was a complete tangent to the purpose of the call, I found what he was saying very interesting. I know I can't think about much more than a day ahead. My brain and heart just can't go there and I also admit that for the most part, I prefer to isolate myself. I do not have the energy or emotional where with all, to absorb the presence of other people. 

Tonight as I sat down to write this posting, I noticed that I received a comment on last night's blog posting. The posting is below. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to received this message from Esther. Esther and I have NEVER met one another, nor have we ever exchanged emails. Yet, she has been a long time blog reader, as we are bonded together by the loss of a child to osteosarcoma. Needless to say, her words moved me. Here is a stranger in my life, who through my words on the blog has gotten to know my character, what motivates me, what I stand for, and the love I have for Mattie. All I can is WOW. Esther's words struck a chord in my heart, and it means a great deal to me that good thoughts and prayers are sent to me across state lines. Thank you Esther. I am deeply grateful to know that Mattie's blog means something to you and that you took the time out of your day to let me know.  

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Dear Vicki,

I have read your blog for years now. I found you during my niece's battle with osteosarcoma back in 2011. Like your sweet Mattie, she left her cancer -ridden body in 2012 and became one of our angels. I have followed your blog intermittently as I admire you greatly. You are a remarkable human being and you owe nothing to your readers when it comes to sharing your privacy. You share as much as you want and keep the rest for you, no rush, no pressure. You are precious and I understand your heart as you care for you parents, they gave us life and we owe it all to them. I am currently caring for my sister who was placed in hospice care, so I know all about giving it all to those we love. You are definitely resilient and I know you won't give up, because that is not who you are, and we can only be who we are. Take breaks when you need to, vent all you want here, and know that many friends, and strangers like myself, are cheering you on and surrounding you with good thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,

Esther