Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009. Mattie celebrated his 7th birthday (and last one) at the hospital. Mattie was very excited and spent hours decorating the child life playroom, as several of his friends were coming after school for the party. As you can see, Mattie had one of his favorite things... vanilla frosted cupcakes! As he bit into it, he got a face full of frosting. Such a happy face and moment in time!
Quote of the day: I believe all animals were created by God to help keep man alive. ~ Iwao Fujita
While looking over the blog, I noticed that someone left me an anonymous comment last night asking me to talk about my pending divorce and what is happening with Peter. I absolutely can appreciate these questions and why you may want to know more. Typically my life has been somewhat of an open book for the last 15 years, as I do try to write and reflect on my happenings, thoughts and daily feelings.
It has been very hard for me not to have this outlet to express my angst, anger, frustration, and hopelessness here. It is my hope that some day I will be able to talk about all of this, but I do not see that happening anywhere in the near future.
All that said, you can imagine my level of intense devastation, since I have known Peter for 35 years. I will leave it at that. I do appreciate the question and I ask for patience with me as I face yet again the impossible. Keep me in your thoughts.
Today was not a good day. But that said, I have been going to weekly therapy since December. Though I can't see it, the therapist sees the progress I am making and commended me for taking on one chore, after the other, and not cowering in the corner or giving up. It would be understandable if I did, but my parents rely on me, and though I have in some cases no idea how to tackle an issue, I take a deep breath and figure it out. I have had to figure out practically everything over the last 7 months. Perhaps that is my nature or my character. I may not have had a career, with a big title, or large paycheck, but that doesn't really measure the true strength, intelligence, or courage of a person.
The one thing that can be said about me, all my life, is my persistence, determination, and convictions. Which are all traits I needed in order to complete a Ph.D. program. Getting a Ph.D. is not about brilliance, trust me! It is about being able to survive, to be humble, and not give up. As there are many obstacles placed in front of a Ph.D. student, to make you stumble and even crash a burn. Like I wouldn't let that happen when I was a student, I try to pull on that inner resilience to find a way forward now. That said, I may be reaching my threshold on resilience and perseverance, and some days I ask.... just how much more can I handle?
3 comments:
Dear Esther,
I can't tell you how much your message means to me. First, THANK YOU for reading Mattie's blog over all these years. I am deeply touched, especially since osteosarcoma is a disease that hits so close to home for you. I am saddened to hear of the loss of your niece, and how this disease transformed our children's lives forever. THEY can NEVER be forgotten. Thank you for being your niece's memory keeper.
Is the sister you are caring for, the one who lost her child to cancer? Thank God for people like you. I have no doubt your sister is grateful for your loving care, I am just saddened that you are having to face her pending death. Being a caregiver to a loved one is the hardest and yet most meaningful job we can ever take on in life. Thank you for walking this journey with me, for your loving comments, and for your belief in me and the work that I do for children with cancer.
My days are dark, but connecting with you is like a beacon of light. Thank you! Vicki
Vicki,
You bring more light to your readers than you will ever know, even in your darkest of days you manage to remind the rest of us how very strong the human spirit is, trust me!
Thank you for your kind words of support. Yes, my sister is the one who lost her child to cancer. She has battled cancer many times herself, and it seems like this is the time for her to fly and reunite with her beloved daughter again. As hard as it is to know she is leaving, it is an absolute honor to be by her side and I would not have it any other way.
Thank you again for your courage, for being a constant source of inspiration and an example of what it's like to walk like a lioness, never stepping back no matter what comes your way, while protecting your loved ones and making Mattie ever so proud!
Sending you a big hug,
Esther
Dear Esther,
Thank you for understanding where my heart is now. I am honored that I can be of help or an inspiration to anyone. That is high praise, and warms my heart. As my goal is always to keep Mattie's memory alive and to help others in his honor.
Your sister is very lucky to have you. It is a calling to help someone at their time of need, especially as they face an end of life journey. May you and your sister find courage, hope, and strength. I have no doubt her daughter will be awaiting her when it is her time. What you are facing and coping with is NOT for the meek and many people just can't emotionally be there in the way that you have chosen. I admire your decision and your love for your sister.
Thank you for reading my thoughts and feelings and each day, and I hope we can remain connected. Vicki
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