Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Hard to believe this was a month before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. That weekend, we took Mattie for a walk on Roosevelt Island. It was an amazing gem, practically in our backyard! We walked this Island in all seasons and as you can see, Mattie never walked empty handed. In his hands were typically a toy car or some other vehicle. In so many ways, my life ended the day Mattie died. I am trapped at FOREVER SEVEN. I wish Mattie were alive now. I sure could use his love, support, and I know he would have been a great ally.
Quote of the day: The saddest thing is to be a minute to someone when you’ve made them your eternity. ~ Sanober Kahn
I have to tell you, I really wonder about my own profession. Tonight I went to therapy (something I have NEVER had to do my entire life, even with Mattie's death) and sometimes I want to just say..... REALLY!? I feel that the therapist is so overwhelmed with what I am dealing with that she doesn't know how I manage. I am living the perfect storm between intense caregiving and being abandoned by my husband. She wants me to find joy, hope, happiness, and peace. I get it, but as I told her I haven't had these things since Mattie died. So the notion of finding them now, is hilarious. Even better, what I think is absurd is she thinks that adding anti-depressants to my life will make a difference. Mind you I am way too busy to be depressed. I find it amazing that someone can think that taking meds is going to make me feel better, as if this nightmare I am living, is going to poof away and with it will come a whole new life. In fact this suggestion makes me feel like.... you don't get me! Unfortunately grief, loss, and trauma don't have easy fixes, as I reminded her, I know what I am talking about as I have already suffered the worst trauma a woman can face, the death of her child.
Three things I am grateful for:
- Chocolate
- The kindness and generosity of friends!
- The power of music.
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