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Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day we took him to a park to walk around and explore. How do you like this sight??? This was typical of Mattie. He would find things in nature and then want to take them home. This big log was almost Mattie's size. When I see this photo, it makes me want to laugh!
Quote of the day: I thought I was your destination. Looks like I was just another stop on the line. ~ Neil Gaiman
The story of how we met in that college dorm was something that Peter recounted often to people! In fact, Peter told it in such a way that people were typically glued to the story and then landed up laughing. Mainly because it is a funny story! Peter knew who I was before that summer, but I had no idea who he was. He saw me in the dorm's kitchen, by the sink washing grapes. He decided to come in and talk to me. Being that he did not know how to start the conversation, he basically said to me.... How is choir? I literally looked at him and said, why do you want to know how choir is, you aren't in choir! No matter how many times Peter told me he was in our choir, and he even told me where he sat and who he sat with, I did not believe him. At that point, we marched down to my friend, Dave's dorm room, and we asked him..... Dave, is Peter in choir? Dave responded with.... YES Vicki, Peter is in choir. Rather embarrassing no? In any case, this is how our relationship began.
I was at summer school with several friends and Peter became part of our network. Once that summer session was over, many of our friends were coming out to visit us in California. So I invited Peter and he had the opportunity to meet my parents and grandmother that summer. I will never forget that moment in time, mainly because I am friends with many people, but until that point, really did not care for a guy enough to date him, much less let him into my life. Peter was different. During that trip, we also toured San Diego with our friendship group, and I recall as we were driving back to Los Angeles, where my parents lived, and during that drive Peter was sharing with me what our life could look like and the wonderful future we would have ahead. I can still picture that moment and that feeling. As it was magical. We had so many hopes and dreams.
Peter has been in my life for 36 years. Not one, two, or ten years. 36! He is much a part of my life as my left leg is attached to my body. Today marks the one year anniversary that Peter left me. I would like to say now with 12 months behind me that I am stronger, happier, and more stable. I AM NOT! Frankly I do not think I will ever get over this traumatic loss, as I have lost Mattie and now Peter. My life has been decimated, my ability to love, trust, and live life are diminished.
All I know is what I am experiencing now is NOT the Peter I have known all my life. I know in time, I will put the pieces together. As any parent knows, when our children do things that aren't good or they exhibit bad behavior, we aren't happy with those decisions and choices, but they are our children and with that comes unconditional love. In so many ways, I feel the same way about Peter. My love, care, and support aren't like a light switch. They don't get flipped on and off. I remain consistent.
Two friends reached out today to remind me that I am worthy of love and respect. That I am special. I will reflect on that, because here's the irony of all of this.... through this year long separation, guess what my focus and worry has been about? If you guessed, Peter, you would be right. I have truly hoped that he would find it in his heart to communicate again, to let me in on what is going on, and for us to find a way forward. It is just devastating to have lived a year without the person I devoted my life to and to try to understand this reality. I take it one day at a time, because if I think about the full picture of my future, I may not make it until tomorrow.
I had to take my dad for a pre-op exam today with his doctor. It was a challenging visit, because as soon as I got my dad into the office, he pooped in his pants. I had to do a full clean up, and naturally with all of his movement, his hands and legs were covered in poop. After that horrific scene, we then moved into an exam room. The doctor wanted him up on an exam table (it took three of us to make that happen), because we are concerned about his extended abdomen. I knew it was nothing serious because my dad has had one CT scan after the other. But it is a concern that my dad never feels hungry, eats very little, and has at least five bowel movements a day. It was quite the exam, which included taking blood, an exam on the table, and an EKG. Getting blood from my dad is no easy feat. He has "jumpy" veins. Which means they can poke him where they see a vein, but as soon as the needle enters his arm, his vein jumps away from the needle. So my dad is never just stuck once or twice with a needle..... try several, until his veins are accessed. Any case, the doctor thinks these multiple bowel movements may be the result of his diabetes medication. So we are stopping it for two weeks and seeing how that goes! He also feels that my dad's extended abdomen is just muscle poking through, but nothing serious.
Any case, we head back to the hospital on Tuesday for his second cystoscopy, ureteroscopy, and lithotripsy procedure! He will also get his ureter stents replaced. I can't wait until all stents come out and I am hoping that will happen in October. Wish us luck.
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