Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2004. Mattie was two years old and Peter's parents sent him this ride on fire truck. Mattie loved all things with wheels. He just naturally gravitated to them! Our commons area in the city was the perfect place to ride these toys, to fly a kite, and to learn to ride a bicycle. I will never forget this space! This ride on fire truck got a lot of use. Mattie would ride on it, push it, wash it (like in a car wash), and he involved it in his creative play.
Quote of the day: Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today? ~ Mary Manin Morrissey
I totally understand the sentiments of tonight's quote. But the thing is, it just doesn't apply to me. I don't want a new life, as a new life means putting all my hurts somewhere. I will never be free, I will never be able to release the hurt or the fear. I know from which I speak, as I already am living with the traumatic loss of Mattie. Some traumas can't be packaged in a box, shipped out to sea, and dropped off permanently. They are a part of me, and once again, I face the impossible.... how to live with all of this hurt.
This morning, my goal was to do another hour of continuing education. That never happened. I got myself so worked up with bill payments, that I sat down and started a flow chart of money and bills for October. In my office, I have an area where I stage bills that have to be paid, and with each day, the stack rises. Which only further spikes my anxiety. So for two hours, I sat down and tried to map out expenses for this month. It is simply hateful. If this was the only stress I was managing that would be hard enough, but it is only 1/16th of my overall problem.
Every Sunday I take my parents out to brunch. When I drive to the restaurant, I usually land up paying a toll each way. I am sick of that expense and decided to investigate how to get to this restaurant without a toll. Directions are another thing out of my comfort zone. But thanks to Waze, I was able to accomplish this task, because I am afraid reading maps isn't my strong suit. But I did it!
After settling my parents back at home, I had to flag all of our sprinklers on the property as the grass is getting seeded and aerated this week. The company asked me to flag all sprinkler heads so they are not damaged by the seeding truck. Delightful, but you bet I was going to do it, because I am NOT paying for new sprinkler heads. That meant I had to go figure out our sprinkler timer and turn it to manual. Thankfully when Steve, from our landscaping company, came over during the spring, I took notes on how to work the timer! Out came the notes this evening. I have 7 watering zones on the property, and literally I went zone by zone, getting soaked in the process. But the flags are up, and I can take that task off my to-do list. My dad heads for surgery again on Tuesday, so I will have my hands full with his recovery.
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