Wednesday, September 25, 2024

Wednesday, September 25, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old. By that point, Mattie was being introduced to rice cereal and other baby foods. He had his favorites, such as sweet potatoes, butternut squash, baby oatmeal, and bananas. I kept at with green vegetables, and his reaction to peas was adorable. Basically that smile showed that they really weren't all that bad! 

Quote of the day: Sometimes, I don’t know what haunts me more… The memories of you… Or the happy person I used to be. ~  Ranata Suzuki

When I say I go to my bedroom window each night to look for Peter, this is the window I am referring to! This morning, I could hardly get out of bed. I am that exhausted. After getting up and feeding Indie (my cat), I made hot tea and went back up to my room to take a shower and get dressed. Since I could see that neither of my parents was up yet, I decided to sit on the floor by my window and have my tea. It was a moment to pause and not jump to another activity. I have so few of these pauses, which is why this was so notable. For the most part, I feel like a rat on a treadmill each day, and it is very stressful keeping up this pace without help and without a break. Keep in mind that this December, I will be caregiving for both of my parents for three solid years. With no vacation, no break, and no other supports. I remember when they first moved in, I was very upset and frustrated because I was under some false impression that I would have more independence and that my mom could balance some of my dad's care and also entertain herself. I learned quickly that my mom needs as much support as my dad. So as time moved on, I got worn down. Almost like a prisoner in a cell, you learn to adjust to your confinement and the structure and SAME routine of each day. Am I saying this doesn't bother me? NO, NOT at all! I am cognizant of what has happened to my life, but I also know life will not always be this way. A fact that I hoped Peter could also appreciate.

One of the tasks I did today, was grocery shopping. While driving home, in my head, I thought.... what if my parents weren't at home (meaning they weren't alive)? Then what?! That whole notion was so overwhelming that I literally had to park that notion somewhere, and forget it. Because to me, my life is over. 

This evening, while cooking dinner, I had two surprises. Gifts from God in a way, as I find nature and natural beauty very inspiring and healing. I know that our hummingbirds show up in May (around the time of Mattie Miracle's Walk) and then they disappear and fly to warmer climates some time in September. 

I was quite certain my humming friends had already moved along, and I was going to take down my sugar jars this weekend. But then I saw this fellow tonight! 

Outside my front window, were four deer. Two were babies, and at times they were running around and chasing each other! It was priceless. This is a sight I will never get tired of seeing.