Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was 5 months old. Back then "tummy time" was all the rage in child development. Even Mattie's pediatrician encouraged me to put Mattie on his tummy for a few minutes a day, to develop his neck muscles. This was one thing Mattie absolutely HATED! Mattie was about movement and being on his feet. Lying on his tummy stifled his freedom and what I learned about being Mattie's mom, was I had to follow Mattie's needs and lead and put less focus and attention on normed developmental milestones.
Quote of the day: Your past does not equal your future. ~ Anthony Robbins
This evening, I went back to therapy. I missed sessions for a month so far, because of her travel and my parent's illnesses. Did I miss it? Not one bit. For the past several weeks I have been plugging through 12 hours of continuing education. I have learned a ton and a lot of it I have been applying to my life now. I am so glad I did a training on dialectic behavior therapy, because it has helped me see that two opposing thoughts can really exist at the same time and it is okay! I will probably write more about what I am learning in another blog posting. Tonight's session was interesting because I think she could personally see how mentally busy I have been between our last session and now and was totally impressed with how I am operationalizing what I am learning. Obviously she doesn't know me, because I used to be a person who LOVED to learn. I have an inquisitive mind and I am intrigued by other people, their lives and experiences.
What the therapist is trying to help me understand is that I can live and survive on my own. She wanted me to evaluate all that I have accomplished this year after Peter left me. She said I went from being a person who couldn't pay a bill, to a person who manages all the finances, all the house and car maintenance, runs a household and cares for both of my parents. Somehow she was impressed by what I have done all on my own. I literally said to her, "I am happy for you!" But all of this doesn't mean much to me, as I measure my life not on things and tasks, but on the connections I make with people. My number one connection has always been, my husband.
All of this is an aside to my day. This morning, I dropped my dad off at his memory care center. The staff was happy to see my dad return. When the staff saw me, they asked me to come inside. There is a classmate in my dad's program who knows me. I met this person before he was diagnosed with dementia. Any case, this person has been asking to see me for several weeks. Today timing aligned. When he saw me..... he literally came flying over and gave me HUGE hugs. He reminded me that I am a special person and that he and so many people love me. After my friend went back into his class, the staff told me that my friend talks about me all the time and they learned from him all the wonderful things I try to do to help people. I am not used to such kudos in my daily life, so I found all of this so so touching.
From there, I drove to the mall. I have wanted to get my purse repaired at the Brighton store for months. But with my parent's in tow, it is impossible. Today, I decided to just do it! As soon as I entered the mall, I was hit with all sorts of emotions. The last time I entered this mall, was to either walk with Peter or meet him and try to communicate. As I walked the mall, I was flooded with all those memories. I can't even do a normal thing, without reflecting on my marriage. As I kept walking, I then passed a Build a Bear store. This is a store Mattie used to love. Again, this brought sadness.
By the time I got the Brighton store, I was wound up like a top! When I started talking to the store clerk, I was agitated, because the reason my purse needed to be fixed was because the company broke the zipper during the last purse cleaning (the perk at Brighton is they will clean and condition you purse for free every year). The clerk said that I should have brought this issue to their attention right away after picking up my purse in 2022. This is where I lost it. I told her I balance a circus show and this was the first time I was able to return to manage this issue. Needless to say, within minutes, Patty and I became friends. I learned about her life, her husband battling cancer, and the impact on her life. She learned about my role caregiving for my parents and she told me about the Glen Campbell song, I'm Not Gonna Miss you. I never heard this song before, but I attached it below. Campbell suffered from dementia and wrote this song for his wife. The song is very meaningful to me and hits home.
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