Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital visits and that day he wanted to out onto our deck and play in his sandbox. Naturally I was concerned about Mattie doing this as he had a Broviac catheter (a type of central venous catheter that is surgically implanted into a large vein in the chest. It is used to provide long-term access to the bloodstream for administering medications, fluids, blood products, and performing blood tests) hanging from his chest. I was always paranoid about this catheter getting infected, tugged or pulled. But I did not want Mattie to stop being a child.... so out he went and we even brought out a space heater because we did not want Mattie to catch a cold (another deadly sin when on chemotherapy). Though Mattie couldn't walk, he made the most of what he did have, and truly this is a learn that I continue to absorb on my hardest days.
Quote of the day: Your healing is about you. It doesn't need a stamp of approval. It doesn't need to make others comfortable. It's about you. It's personal. It's worth everything. ~ Yasmin Mogahed
I posted tonight's picture above, because today I was in my old neighborhood in Washington, DC. I took my mom for her hair and nail appointment. Could I go to a salon closer to my current house? Probably! But I don't! Instead I return HOME! The city was my home for over 20 years and I used to love my old neighborhood and life. In any case, I have been going to this particular salon since I was in my 20s. Back then, the salon was in its hay day. It had photos lining the walls of famous movie stars and politicians who frequented the salon and each of these photos was personally autographed. This may sound odd, but this was something that was done in the past at both salons and restaurants. A by gone era if you will.
I have known my manicurist for years. I met her through my hairstylist. So in essence I have known this family for decades. We practically grew up together, shared many ups and downs of life. The funny part is my manicurist calls me her "therapist." Which of course is a joke, since I am NOT her therapist. But I listen and I care! Any case, she was catching me up about her life today, and she told me how she was reunited with someone in her family. I have been predicting that this day would come for YEARS! I remember when I first made this prediction to her, I said.... mark my words, you both will reunite again, because you both at the core love one another. She did not believe me at the time, as there was great hurt that resulted from their connection. But today, about 8 years later.... guess who was right???? That is right.... ME! Don't ask me how I knew this would happen, but since I intimately knew and understood the situation, my gut said it would happen. No I am not clairvoyant, just perceptive and read people very well.
It was the day of dealing with all sorts of crises from my health insurer changing my name. They made my first name my last name and my last name my first name. NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! So I had to address this immediately and find out where this name change request came from! From there, I had to manage my mom's health insurer, discuss financial issues, pay Foundation bills, and the list goes on.
In the midst of my usual juggling act, I looked at my phone and what popped up in my news feed today caught my attention, an article entitled, 11 Subtle Signs Of A Woman Who Has Been Through A Lot In Life, According To Research. It is scary when your phone seems to understand YOU!
On an aside, when I look at myself now in the mirror, sometimes I do not recognize myself. I look worn out, exhausted, and the person I once was, no longer exists. This article lists 11 signs, highlighted in research, that a woman who has been through a lot, and they are:
- She has disproportionate reactions
- She seems more mature
- She's hesitant to ask for and accept help
- She doesn't trust others easily
- She's always prepared for the worst
- She's incredibly empathetic and understanding
- She's occasionally loyal to a fault
- She's sensitive to shifts in body language and energy
- She finds joy in the little things
- She's not interested in making new friends or being incredibly social
- She may adopt different personalities around different people
When I look at this list everything applies to me except #11. I am who I am, NO MATTER WHO I AM WITH. But #3 and #4, seem worth highlighting, as I view them interrelated. At an early age, I learned the art of being independent. Why? I am not quite sure. Was it because I was an only child? Maybe. Was it because I moved across the country at age 14 and lost my core group of friends? Maybe. Was it because I had many people let me down and therefore I saw the only one I could rely upon was myself? Maybe. Certainly given my current situation of seeing my marriage of almost 30 years dissolve, I can assure you whatever previous issues I had with asking and accepting help have only been magnified.
What I know is that I am deeply distraught and emotionally hurt on every level. I put my trust and love into a relationship that I thought I would have for the rest of my life. I do not give TRUST away easily. If I let you in, it is because you have proven yourself to me to be reliable, honest, and to have my best interest at heart. Now that I face probably the worst betrayal of my life, I am quite certain asking and accepting help is NOT going to happen now or into the future. It has further entrenched me to my original philosophy..... I have to be self reliant and rely on NO ONE. Which is why tonight, after a year of therapy, I decided to terminate it. I think the only reason I sought therapy to begin with was because others thought I should. Reminds me of when Mattie died, I got a lot to advice but all of it was misplaced and I am afraid based on ignorance! But I know me and I know when something is helpful and when it isn't! Since I deem therapy ineffective for my level of heartache and trauma, I decided to follow my gut instinct tonight.
Following your gut instinct is actually very freeing. Terminating therapy is probably one of the most empowering things I have done this year, and trust me I have had to do all sorts of things that were new to me in 2025 like purchasing a health insurance plan and paying for a membership to get 24/7 tech support. Terminating therapy means to me that I am trusting my instincts, and what I know to be true. NO ONE can solve my hurt, anxiety, and fears. Solutions take time and I have to be the one who directs these steps, in the meantime, I live and breath #5. Each day I wake up and wonder what shoe will drop today? What crisis will arise, or what fire will I have to put out? As the article astutely points out, these are all the signs of a woman who has dealt with A LOT in her life. If you come across a woman in your life with some of these signs, think twice about what she is facing. It may not be a reaction to YOU, but instead a by-product of her life's circumstances.
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