Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. That day we took Mattie to Roosevelt Island. Truthfully it did not matter what the weather was like, with Mattie we were outside year round. Roosevelt Island was about five minutes from our home in Washington, DC and it was the BEST BACKYARD for an adventure! It is still hard for me to believe that four months after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer.
Quote of the day: Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness. ~ Peter A. Levine
I had worked myself up so much last night over the backyard lights, that I had a hard time staying asleep. I could fall asleep, but just couldn't stay asleep. I think I finally got to sleep at 3am and of course had to get up at 6:15am. When things arise in the house, I do panic because I fear I won't be able to manage the problem or afford to manage the problem. I can't believe that I have gotten to this stage of my life, and I am facing so many major stressors. The one good thing to report is my new outdoor extension chord arrived today and I set it up and the lights are ON! I have to keep reminding myself that I am resourceful and that I saved myself an electrician bill to solve this problem!
This morning my dad's physical therapist came over for a session. I truly wanted to run chores while she was here, but I know that with my dad's bathroom issues, the therapist and my mom can't manage him. Today's session was a disaster. My dad has irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), on top of his dementia and other health issues. IBS has different forms and my dad has all of them. Today, he was constipated, which in my house is like hell on earth. Because of his dementia, my dad becomes fixated on having to go to the bathroom, and there is no peace. It is so stressful helping him at times that it takes all the resources I have to keep it together. My dad was running to the bathroom every five minutes during his therapy session, because his brain was telling him he had to go. But of course once he was there, he did not go!
There is nothing to explain the cause of his constipation and I would go so far as to say that his diet no longer impacts his IBS. Instead, I would say it is a daily problem, and after several hours of this today, I was truly frazzled. Frazzled from his angst, frazzled from his moaning in pain, and just plain frazzled.
About two weeks ago, I started an exercise routine in my basement. I haven't done it as consistently as I have wanted, but I do continue to do it when I have a moment. For me, motion and movement are my therapy, which is why I am looking forward to warmer weather as I can be out in the garden. In addition, I have decided to take on staining and sealing our deck, so wish me luck with that chore too! Some times there aren't enough hours in the day, and given that I have spent my entire adult life married, I always could share tasks, issues, and stressors with my other half. It is a major adjustment facing life alone. It isn't how I chose to spend my life or my future, and I would like to say that with time my brain and heart have accepted this reality, but that would be inaccurate and a lie.
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