Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old and that was his first trip to Los Angeles to visit my parents. Since Mattie loved his "tot wheels" walker so much at our home in Washington, DC, my parents got him one for California. Mattie loved the California weather and zooming around my parent's property! It is amazing how different my life looked then and how naive I was to multitude of the hurts and losses I would be facing in the future. Sometimes I wonder, if we knew what was going to happen in the future, would it change how we lived our lives?
Quote of the day: If the wounds on her heart and the bruises on her soul were translated on her skin, you wouldn’t recognize her at all. ~ Verona Q
It was another red letter day on the Farm! I have had a very difficult week managing my dad's irritable bowel syndrome. On Thursday, he was struggling with constipation. Which was hellish and it took me all day until I finally got him to go to the bathroom. Today was the exact opposite problem. My dad had five accidents, one being in the shower. I was constantly cleaning him and all the surfaces around him today. In fact, he had a physical therapy session, and right in the middle of the session, he had a bathroom accident. Ideally it would be lovely that while his therapist is visiting, I could be off the clock for an hour. Unfortunately that just isn't the case because the therapist and my mom can't handle these bathroom problems.
I recall over a year ago, my dad's doctor telling him and me that bathroom issues are the number one reason people are institutionalized. Fortunately for my parents, I am not squeamish and I have a strong constitution. Because I agree with his doctor, what I am doing is not for the meek and my dad is not a small body to manage.
When I started writing Mattie's blog, it was obviously about Mattie. About his daily journey and struggles with cancer treatment. Not to mention how my family was facing the psychosocial stresses of a cancer diagnosis. When Mattie died, the blog could have ended. But it didn't. Instead, I pivoted to talking about living with the intense grief of child loss and the impact on my family. The blog still incorporates this forever loss into my writings, but what has happened over time is the Mattie's blog, became the blog of Mattie's mom.
My life has been guided by caregiving and providing support to numerous people. Would everyone feel comfortable talking about the challenges of caregiving? Talking about irritable bowel syndrome? Maybe not! But here's the thing, caregiving and all the issues associated with it are REAL. These are facts of life. Whether you are a caregiver now, whether you have been one, or will be one in the future..... talking about these human issues is important. I do not claim to be the ONLY caregiver out there struggling or managing the impossible. Quite on the contrary, all family caregivers who are managing a loved one face countless hurdles and challenges each and every day. It is the hardest job ever to perform, it is typically undervalued, and definitely there is no financial compensation or tangible benefits from the role.
But caring for someone is a privilege and a calling. At the end of the day, I have to life with my decisions and actions and be satisfied that I gave it my all. I learned early on that you don't want to live with regrets. Which is why I give everyone in my care, my 100%! In the process of sharing my stories, it is my hope that other caregivers reading my words understand how much I value you, admire your decisions, and commend how you are leading your life. It is very hard to forego your own needs and it is a balancing act finding ways to care for ourselves.
As I mentioned previously on the blog, no day for me is without a crisis. Besides managing the IBS issues, I also got an alert from my health insurer telling me that my upcoming Prolia shot (for bone density) was denied. Truthfully, this shot is more of a hassle than it is worth. Every six months, I face issues with this prescription. I was on the phone with my health insurer today for an hour. They couldn't tell me why the prescription was denied, but part of me thinks it was denied because I haven't seen the specialist who orders the drug. I was supposed to schedule an appointment with this doctor in August of 2024. Even though it was in my calendar to do this, I forgot to follow through. This is the second doctor appointment I have blown off, which indicates that I am on overload and clearly my needs are non-existent in my house.
So on Monday, I am calling my doctor's office at this shot. This is NOT my favorite office to interface with, and my doctor's nurse and I have gotten into it with each other numerous times. Any case, back to advocating I go, but I am just tired. I would love someone to look after me, to have my best interest at heart, and help me juggle the thousand tasks and stressors that I face. That was the beauty of being married, as I used to be one of two people working together to manage the many ups and downs of life. Things are always better when shared! I did not chose to be single, I chose to be married when I was 25 years old. Now facing the world as one again is an adjustment that I may never get over.
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