Monday, November 21, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008, in Mattie's PICU room. As you can see the creative process was something we turned to throughout the days and nights to pass the time and to try to forget the pain and our reality. Fortunately Mattie had an artistic side to him, because I frankly do not know how we would have made it without this outlet. Mattie was prolific while at the hospital, using all sorts of media (paint, clay, cardboard boxes, markers, model magic, Legos, beading, and the list goes on!). Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist) learned early on in the treatment process that Mattie liked building things, and she would stock him up with all sorts of model kits, which after building each object, he would then paint. I have many of these models at home with us today.

Quote of the day: How can I be useful, of what service can I be? There is something inside me, what can it be? ~ Vincent Van Gogh

Somehow after yesterday, my mood did not improve. I think the rain and greyness of the day did not help me either. Peter was a good buddy throughout the day, and has learned that when I get into these moods, you have to just roll with it and respect it. Trying to change it or my perception of how I am feeling will only be counterproductive. Peter also knows that the way to my heart is through food. Before Mattie was born, I used to love going out to eat, experiencing different foods, and soaking up the atmosphere of a restaurant. When Mattie came along, like most parents, the act of eating became more of a necessity than an art and luxury. Mattie was an active fellow and in the beginning eating did not interest him in the least. So with that we stopped going out to eat, almost altogether. However, now that Mattie is gone, getting out of our home is important. So today, Peter took me out to lunch at a local restaurant of ours that just opened. I wanted to try this restaurant for a while, so I was motivated to walk there even in the rain.

Good food can make me feel better and as the lunch continued, we were so pleasantly surprised with the quality of the food and service that we both enjoyed getting out. I had a picture window right next to me and I landed up staring out of it to people watch, which is always entertaining to me. I honestly do not remember what I said at lunch, but while Peter was drinking coffee, I got him laughing so hard (without trying), that coffee was coming out of his nose.

Based on a meeting I had today after lunch, it is clear to me that those who do not know me well, are not as tuned into the fact that I have many sides (like all of us!). Yes I might be depressed and saddened at times, but despite those intense emotions, I am very able to advocate for the Foundation and children with cancer. When someone makes the assumption that I am unidimensional, that is when I can get upset. Naturally it is human nature to make assumptions about others, but you can't make untrue assumptions about me as it pertains to my son or the work I do in his memory. Such assumptions will cause me to assert myself and push back at you.

I have greatly appreciated several of my friends who wrote to me today. Who wanted to know why I was upset and how I was doing today. All this support is always appreciated. You have given me the third gift that was talked about in last night's quote.... understanding.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message I received today from my friend, Junko. Junko wrote, "Your comment that empathy is something we are born with, rather than something that can be taught, I just heard the similar subject over the radio. I agree with your insight, and the radio article (in a more nuanced way) appears to support our thinking. Here is the radio clip for your information.

Strangers Can Spot Genetic Disposition For Empathy http://www.npr.org/2011/11/18/142512092/strangers-can-spot-genetic-disposition-for-empathy?sc=emaf

On a separate topic, I wanted to tell you that I was in the hospital room with you when Nicholas came to Mattie's room to visit in a Scooby Doo costume back in August 2008. It was my first time to visit you guys after diagnosis, and I still remember how Mattie, despite his difficult circumstances, tried to ensure that you gave me the parking validation sticker before I said good-bye. I cried all the way back in my car thinking and questioning why this had to happen to Mattie and to you and Pete, and I still think and ask the same question even now."