Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was invited to his friend Ellie's, birthday party. One of the major highlights of the party was the pony rides. Mattie loved animals and having the opportunity to ride a pony in someone's backyard was not only memorable but super fun. I am so happy that my friend Carolyn captured this photo and shared it with me.
Quote of the day: Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin. ~ Danielle Bernock
Hello everyone, it is the guest blogger Peter writing today's post. Vicki is in Philadelphia with a friend who has remained a friend since childhood. Together, these two have traveled through life's many years, ups and downs, so they are taking a few days this summer to meet and spend some time together. Why Philadelphia? Well, it is the biggest city half way between Washington, DC and New York City, where Vicki's friend lives. Plus, neither have ever really explored Philadelphia. Their planned agenda looked exhausting, but so far so good from what I hear via text message.
I am not as eloquent or capable a writer as Vicki, who has written every day via this blog, for almost 11 years. Just thinking about writing every single day, no matter where you are, for 11 years is astounding, not to mention exhausting. And the content is anything but easy, as it chronicles a journey from having a sick child, going through the treatment of that child, having the child die in ones' arms, and then having spent 3,591 days since his death trying to figure out how to function in life (or in some cases, not).
Tonight's quote resonates with me personally as I am guessing it will with anyone who has ever suffered a significant trauma. I was reminded last week, when we went to visit a family at NIH who's child is starting an experimental trial after the "routine" medical treatment of care (spoiler... there is nothing "routine" about it) failed to eradicate disease. After the visit, both Vicki and myself suffered several days from what I would call a generalized, non-specific, revisiting of the trauma we both live with that resulted from Mattie's death and loss.
It is truly amazing to me that Vicki and I could be so affected after just a 90 minute exposure to a similar situation that we once lived. Vicki said that the experience acted like a mirror for our own lives, and that its reflection back on us reminded us of what we survived, what we lost, what we are living, and what our future holds for us. I guess I put most of that into a sealed box emotionally most of the time, because if I let it occupy my thoughts, I would not be able to function on a daily basis.
What this all tells me is that I am living with and will always be struggling to live with the trauma that pervades my life. This is something that no one tells you as a newly bereaved parent, in this case, when someone loses a child to childhood cancer.
So, I'll leave you on a more positive note: the family we visited at NIH was very grateful for our visit and the things we brought them. Vicki and I did nothing but provide a welcoming, understanding and listening ear. We did not try to insert our stories or share our experiences... we just listened. This ties back perfectly to the quote from tonight...
PS: Vicki will be back online Friday, so y'all will have to bear with me for another couple of days of posts...
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