Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. That weekend we took Mattie to Pennsylvania to experience Sesame Street Place. On our way there, we stopped at the famous aquarium in New Jersey. We were standing in NJ, but across the river (where you see the skyscrapers) was Philadelphia.
Quote of the day: Unlike other forms of psychological disorders, the core issue in trauma is reality. ~ Bessel A. van der Kolk
Hi again, it is Peter guest blogging once again. Vicki will be back shortly, so have no fear. I am just "subbing" for the good doctor (she has a Ph.D you know).
Once again, Vicki has picked an insightful quote. I had to read it several times and let it soak in to truly understand what it is saying. Thirteen words in one sentence can have significance, and to me the last seven words have the real meaning.
When one goes through a significant trauma, and by significant, I will leave the definition unspecified, since in my experience, if something is significant to you, it may not be significant to anyone else, but who cares.... because it is significant to me. This is one of the fundamental truths of trauma. Another fundamental truth of trauma is that it never goes away, or is healed or you move on from it, and any of the stupid platitudes that anyone who has experienced a loss has heard.... Trauma actually becomes a part of you forever, permanently.
I am no expert on the research, evidence, or modern body of knowledge when it comes to trauma. I am just someone who has experienced a really bad one. In our almost ten years since losing Mattie (3,592 days), Vicki and I have spoken much about our journey and what it is like (it keeps evolving). As you can imagine trauma has always been and will always be a part of it. It is foolish, and actually unhealthy, to think otherwise.
Our story with Mattie is one of many losses, and loss is a form of trauma. A short list:
- We lost the prospect of a healthy child with his diagnosis.
- We lost the future of an active child with the limb-salvaging surgeries.
- We lost the privacy of our family unit when living in a hospital room.
- We lost the hope of a cure when Mattie's cancer spread throughout his body.
- We lost the love of our life when Mattie took his last breath in our arms.
- We lost our family of three, and drove home from the hospital as two.
- We lost much of our social circle, as parents with kids Mattie's age drifted away.
- We lost the gift of watching a young, talented boy grow into an adult.
- We lost family vacations, Christmases and Holidays with our child.
- We lost birthday parties, graduations, school projects and summer camps.
..... and the list can go on and on.
I won't bore you with any more, but I will say this: Living with the trauma of Mattie's loss is something that affects every aspect of our lives. I cannot speak for Vicki, but for me, it has changed so many things about me as a person. I'll liken it to this: It's like living a different life... one that is very, very familiar, but different, and no longer the one you are familiar with, but one that is indeed very real... and which becomes your reality.
Back to van der Kolk's quote above: the core issue in trauma IS reality... it becomes a part of you and like any major part of ones' life, it is your reality. You do not see it coming, and you don't realize it is happening... but you then recognize that something is different. This altered "reality" now becomes your present reality... and the memories, thoughts, emotions, and things of comfort and familiarity now no longer mean the same. Some are very similar and some are very different. And the differences pop-up with no notice, and you just have to deal with it and accept it.
For example: when I meet new people, typically but not always in a business setting, questions get around to "do you have kids?" And at that exact moment, I used to freeze (I still do a little)... because while I was a dad and had a child, I no longer have a child because he died, so does that make me a Dad?! So how do you answer that? I will not bore you with the details, but suffice to say, it has been a journey and one hell of a lesson learning in how to deal with that, each and every time. And this is just one example!
I am sure most if not all people reading this blog, can reflect on their own traumas. And you should, because they become an indelible part of you... one that you cannot extract, take a pill for, fix or my favorite "move on from". No one likes it and it's not fair, but denying its existence can only cause more harm in my uneducated opinion.
What I have learned so far from my experiences, is to forget what most people say to you... to heck with them. They will inevitably make fools of themselves and say stupid, uninformed things, even if they have good intentions (what's that line about road to Hell being paved with them?).
But they are not you, and they have not gone through what you have gone through, and frankly, only you know what's best for you. But I will say this: embrace those that just listen to you, and help you to reflect and to process your altered reality. Remember, you are a literally a stranger in both a familiar life and familiar world, and we can all use some help in getting adjusted to it.
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